In actual fact, moving day is tomorrow but as you can see, the slaves have taken my instructions very seriously.
I shall say goodbye to my adoring fans, at least for the next few days. I have commoners to meet and greet and of course will be busy settling into the new palace. I have no doubt I will be as badly behaved as possible.
Ta ta for now everyone - be back online soon!
Yours haughtily as ever
Monday, 30 July 2007
Saturday, 28 July 2007
I understand we are moving house on Tuesday. I see you, running around packing in a flurry of panic and I feel a small amount of pity for you.
Now, in order that this 'moving' experience be as stress free and coordinated as possible, I have a few demands that you will fulfill.
1. I do not wish to be disturbed during my usual nap time. Do not move me to the new house until I am well rested and have stirred from my slumber.
2. Feed me steak served on a bed of carrots before I leave the old house. I will NOT be happy if I am hungry.
3. I demand a separate vehicle. A horse drawn carriage would be best. I do not want to travel in the cat carrier with a certain stinky cat.
4. Come to think of it, I demand a gold satin cushion placed within the horse drawn carriage for maximum comfort and style. I also want several human slaves accompanying me on the journey. They may feed me sardines and/or temptations and may sprinkle catnip around the carriage. They may also kiss my paws but not too often.
5. I assume you have made arrangements for the commoners to line the streets on my arrival? They may stand either side of the red carpet, but not too close to me. Ensure they too have bags of 'nip with which to shower me when I am near.
6. It goes without saying, my throne and my bed will be ready upon my arrival. I have no doubt I will be exhausted from the ten minute journey.
I am sad that my passport has not arrived in time for me to emigrate to Siam. For now, I will remain your Royal Master.
I bid you adieu
Thursday, 26 July 2007
I have been tagged by the worshipful and wonderful Cat Realm for a Proverb Meme!
A proverb is a simple and concrete saying popularly known and repeated, which expresses a truth, based on common sense or the practical experience of catkind. They are often metaphorical.
Here is the Cat Realm's Proverb:
A lizard a day keeps the vet away.
And here is mine:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a royal feline in possession of a good human slave, must be in want of nothing.
I tag the following cats for this meme:
Eric n Flynn
Ta ta for now
HRH Yao-Lin xxx
Wednesday, 25 July 2007
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Baby Mao: today is your first birthday. I am impressed you have made it this far. Apparently my attempts to deprive you of nourishment have failed.
Here is a birthday poem I wrote for you, from the bottom of my heart.
Happy birthday to you
You really smell of poo
You are stinky and very annoying
Happy birthday to you.
Now, onto more important subjects! Some of you thoughtful cats have been enquiring as to how the recent spate of bad weather has affected me. Well, I am very happy to confirm that my royal paws have not been made wet as a result of the elements.
It has, however, rained constantly for weeks now although we on the Isle of Wight have not been flooded. Yet.
It seems to be the rest of England who are mostly affected and I almost feel sorry for the humans who have lost their homes as a result of this dreadful weather. Almost, but not quite. They are only humans, after all. If they were pets - well, then, I am sure it would inspire my deepest sympathies!
Anyway, I have to go and help Mao celebrate his birthday. I may give him the birthday jump.
Ta ta for now
HRH Yao-Lin xxx
Sunday, 22 July 2007
Did you know that it takes 8 hours to paralyse the back legs of a mouse? By the end of the day, the creature will still try and scuttle away but will soon realise he cannot. Eventually he will slowly drag himself along the floor with his front paws, occasionally glancing up at his tormentor with a pleading stare. It is really quite amusing! I would urge any of you to try it.
The human (who, incidentally, is useless at catching a mouse unless it is partially paralysed) has been calling me Psycho Yao-Lin. I will discipline her later.
According to Wikipedia, ' Emeritus Professor Robert Hare describes psychopaths as "intraspecies predators"'.
Well, if mercilessly torturing a defenceless field mouse for eight hours makes me a psychopath, then so be it. It was a LOT of fun.
Psychotic purrs on this rainy Monday
Saturday, 21 July 2007
Last night my human slave neglected to clean the litter tray at the appointed time.
This task is usually completed by 9pm thus enabling me to frequent my toilet at various intervals throughout the night, safe in the knowledge that it is both clean and fresh smelling.
Due to a lack of training on my part, or more likely, utter stupidity on her part, the female slave 'forgot' to clean the litter tray last night.
This morning, she was awoken by the delicate waft of poo. Stumbling out of bed, she wandered, bleary eyed, towards the bathroom where she found, and almost stepped in, two large steaming presents, left for her by none other than His Royal Highness.
"Oh, Your Highness," she said, still bleary eyed, "thank you for these most magnificent presents. I bow to your superiority, my Royal Master". To which I responded with an evil glare.
Ok, that doesn't sound altogether feasable. What she actually said, in between wretches, was " Oh For F*** sake I have to clean up cat s*** before I have even had a coffee - and it's my day off!". To which I responded with an evil guffaw: Mwa ha ha!
Well, I think the human has well and truly learned her lesson. Next time she neglects to clean the litter tray, I will leave her several steaming parcels instead of just two. Serves her right for being lazy.
Enjoy your Saturday everyone!
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Several cats have recently asked me for tips on how to train their humans. I have therefore decided to re-post my Thirteen Ways to Train Your Human Slave.
I originally posted this in February but now that I am fully conversant in the ways of the cat blogosphere, I felt it would be fitting to once again impart my expert knowledge, for the benefit of each of my fellow feline friends. It's a bit like the Loreal adverts - ' because you're worth it'.
So, without further ado:
How to train your human slave
1. Make them believe that you love them. Use affection, purrs, big sad eyes, plodding etc. This is the first and most crucial step in ensnaring your slave- use it wisely and never to excess. If you master this, the rest of the training will become simple.
2. Do something the human’s think is clever and/or cute. Good examples include: choosing a toy and dropping it at their feet, climbing the curtains, watching and chasing objects on the television, playing with your siblings. Choose your moment wisely – all of these actions need to be completed at a time when the humans will notice i.e. when they are sat in the living room.
3. Make the slaves feel guilty. If they haven’t refreshed your water, begin to drink from the washing up bowl or, better still, lick the bath suds. If your food bowl is empty, begin to chew on your sibling or on your toys. Do not stop until they have provided ample refreshment.
4. Never assume that the slaves understand you. Speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and L-O-U-D-L-Y to get your point across. The louder the YOWWWL the better, although occasionally a small yet shrill howl can be just as effective. Once again, choose your moment to convey your request – one of the best times is when the humans are sleeping. Approach them slowly and then HOWWWWL in their face. A guaranteed reaction. Repeat as necessary until they fulfil your demand.
5. If you are unhappy with the menu at your current accommodation, simply refuse to eat for a few days. This will send your slaves into a flurry of panic and, whilst you can anticipate at least one trip to the vet, you will eventually find the cuisine you are served is healthier, tastier and most importantly, far more expensive than usual. Do not settle for second best: fresh meat from the butchers and premium quality biscuits are what any royal cat deserves.
6. Be hospitable to any small people visiting your premises. They are what the slaves refer to as ‘children’ and if you pretend to like them, the humans will gush about how friendly and adorable a pet you are. Of course, you can give little ones the odd nip when nobody is looking, but be careful. Small humans are unpredictable and can be hostile when provoked (trust me, I know).
7. If your human approaches you for affection, ignore them. Better still, walk away or jump up to a surface area they cannot reach. If they manage to pick you up, struggle until they are forced to place you down again. This will keep your slave on his/her toes and will ensure that they react with unexpected delight and pleasure should you eventually approach them for cuddles.
8. If fresh meat from the butchers isn’t quite quenching your palate, steal food from the human’s plates. They usually have set meal times. Ensure you are present for each meal and proceed as directed. They will give in if you persist.
9. If your human is not cooking your dinner quickly enough, launch yourself, with all claws and all paws, at their back. I usually begin by howling and, if I am still being ignored, I jump and then climb up their backs as though they are a tree. I will climb up as far as I can before the human eventually manages to shake me off. Apparently this causes the human pain. Do not sympathise – it is an effective technique to make your dinner arrive more quickly. Other humans present will find this amusing and it will also serve as a ‘cute and clever’ thing to do, thus reinforcing the training process.
10. If you wish your litter tray to be cleaned more regularly, walk around in it and then leave poo prints all over the house. Make sure you walk all over and inside the bath, any sinks, all clean surfaces and especially any clothes scattered around.
11. If your human is annoying you, use your claws. Grab any exposed limb (I prefer arms) and wrap yourself around it. Kick with your hind legs and, if you get the chance, sink your teeth in. After two minutes, stop. Look at the human with ‘big eyes’. Begin purring and rubbing your chin against any wounds you may have inflicted. The human will become confused and believe that you have merely been playing. When they then move in for a cuddle, start the whole process again. NB: - can provide hours of amusement, especially on highly strung individuals.
12. Demand a space in your human’s bed. They usually have electric blankets and thick duvets so under the covers really is superior to your cat bed. Follow the humans and then climb under the quilt. Refuse to budge. If they manage to force you out, wait until they are asleep and then scratch their noses and bite their hair. Humans require up to 8 hours of solid sleep a night. This procedure takes only days to work as it is in your power to ensure your slave gets only 5 hours of broken sleep. After no more than a week, you will be able to claim your rightful spot under the quilt whenever you wish.
13. Remember: Persistence is the key. Your slaves will soon realise that resistance is futile and will worship your every move without hesitation.
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Monday, 16 July 2007
This award has been given to me by the wonderful and beautiful Fi Fi. Thank you!
As it goes, schmoozing is the natural ability 'to converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.' Good schmoozers effortlessly weave their way in and out of the blogosphere, leaving friendly trails and smiles, happily making new friends along the way. They don’t limit their visits to only the rich and successful, but spend some time to say hello to new blogs as well. They are the ones who engage others in meaningful conversations, refusing to let it end at a mere hello - all the while fostering a sense of closeness and friendship."
Now, whilst I am not entirely convinced that I actually leave a trail of friendship and smiles, I am still grateful for this award. I prefer to think that I leave a trail of haughty snobbery but, well, each to his own!
I think amost everyone has been tagged already for this so, if you haven't, please feel free to pinch the award and give yourself the power of the schmooze!
Speaking of schmoozing in a round about way, I'm off for a nap. It's exhausting being friendly!
Ta ta for now
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Sunday, 15 July 2007
All us Royals love a good spot of hunting on a Sunday morning. After the government placed a ban on fox hunting, the aristocracy were left with little choice other than to pursue another method of entertainment.
So, mouse hunting became our favoured pasttime. A pleasurable pursuit allowing one to still experience the thrill of the chase. I do look rather devilish in this picture, do I not?
Yours, feeling rather pleased with oneself,
NB: This is Yao-Lin's slave speaking. This field mouse was Yao-Lin's first (and hopefully last) catch. He brought it in yesterday and proceeded to bat it around the house. When it lay still, he bit its neck until it squealed and ran off so that he could continue to 'play'. We finally caught the mouse and set it free in the garden. The poor thing probably died from shock shortly after!
Friday, 13 July 2007
Allow yourself a few moments to admire this work of art. The tiara, kindly given to me by The Cat Realm, rests comfortably on ones head whilst the golden frame adds a touch of glamour to the photograph.
Unlike the Queen, I didn't storm out of my photo shoot. One really ought to keep ones composure when being photographed by commoners.
Ta ta for now
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
I have been tagged by the delectable Casey Meezer Diva for this meme.
So, without further ado, allow me to talk once more on my favourite subject - moi!
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Well, I wasn't even a twinkle in the King's eye but I have it on good authority that my ancestors were living a life of luxury in a wonderful palace with several hundred human slaves at their beck and call. How I ended up in such poverty, I do not know. It is but a cruel twist of fate.
What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was a single Siamese prince and was busily training my slaves in the way of the Siamese cat. It was exhausting but at least at that point I was a lone Siamese i.e no brother with which to become infuriated.
Five favourite Snacks:
Five songs to which you know the lyrics:
Somethin' Stupid by Nicole Kidman and Robbie Williams.
Love Me Do by the Beatles
I Love my Dog By Cat Stevens
Your Song by Elton John
These Words by Natasha Bedingfield.
The humans leave Radio 1 on all day when they are at work. That's the only reason I know the above tunes!
Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Buy several sprawling palaces.
Hire new slaves.
Turf the old slaves out onto the street as punishment for being useless.
Throw money into the Meezers for World Domination Campaign.
End animal neglect via worthy charities.
Five bad habits:
Leaving poo prints all over the house.
Kicking litter all over the floor.
Attacking the human's hands and feet when they are asleep. (I don't think that is a bad habit at all!)
Ripping the curtains to shreds.
Losing the humans their deposit because of the above.
Five things you like doing:
Vandalising the house.
Attacking Baby Mao.
Attacking the humans.
Demanding affection. The humans are stupid enough to give it to me! Serves them right!
Five things you would never wear again:
The pink waistcoat the human bought that was a size too small.
The orange headband she bought me from Amsterdam
A smile. I find scowling much more effective.
The pink T-Shirt she bought me from Amsterdam.
The pink wig Baby Mao put on me!
Five favourite toys:
Five kitties to tag:
The Mckitten Cats
Well, I hope you all enjoyed reading even more about me!
I will be adorning my tiara made especially for me by the Cat Realm in tomorrow's post. I am sure you are quivering in anticipation!
Ta ta for now
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
Yesterday, Baby Mao had the NERVE to post a very unflattering picture of me wearing a pink wig.
So, as punishment for yet another misdemeanour, I forced the big whiney baby cat to wear this pink fluffy ensemble.
Not so big and tough now, are you Baby Mao? Hmm?
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Posted by HRH Yao-Lin at 12:30
Monday, 9 July 2007
I accept the dare from the Cat Realm. However, I do not deem a pink wig befitting of my royal status, so instead I offer you Baby Mao looking ridiculously ridiculous as per the above.
HRH Yao-Lin xx
Sunday, 8 July 2007
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Friday, 6 July 2007
Today I have taken the chance to reflect upon my royal heritage. I ordered the slave to get out the box full of family photographs. This one was found amongst the literature pertaining to my royal lineage.
It would seem that my ancestors lived in Osborne House, along with Queen Victoria.
Apparently an offshoot from Siam found their way to the Isle of Wight and settled down with the Queen and her servants.
So you see, human niece, to offend one of my ancestry is to offend my entire family and is tantamount to treason. Off with your head.
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Today the 13 year old human niece came over to use the computer. She had homework to do. Normally, she could do this at home but because she is so very badly behaved, she has been sent to stay on the Isle of Wight with her relatives.
Unfortunately for me, this entails her using MY computer ALL night. To make matters much worse, she PRETENDS she is doing school work but she actually spends all evening chatting to her friends on msn messenger. From where I was sitting, it looked suspiciously like she was flirting with boys. Cretin.
This creature storms into my house in a fit of makeup and giggles, eats all of the food and watches whatever she wants on tv and then has the sheer AUDACITY to ignore ME!!! His Royal Highness!!!
It took me all of my strength not to wretch with disgust.
Needless to say, I hate her. Not only is she a stupid human, she is a stupid 13 year old rebellious one. Those are the worst kind.
I am now going to retire to bed. I am exhausted and miserable -for good reason.
Sulking as usual
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
Monday, 2 July 2007
Yesterday evening, I attended a Memorial Concert to honour the life of Princess Diana.
Here I am at the aftershow party, hob-nobbing with the two humans who call themselves Princes, as well as another fellow. Can't recall his name. He wasn't that entertaining, to be honest.
I think it is important to pay our respects to a much loved fellow royal. Diana, we all loved you and one can't quite believe it is ten years since your passing. *sigh*