The Secret Diary of HRH Yao-Lin

On Wednesday afternoon, the Landlord came by to make an inspection of MY palace...

Apparently, the human neglected to mention that she has two cats and this is in fact a breach of her tenancy agreement.

This is my diary of the fateful events that followed.

4:00 pm the human returns - early - from work. She immediately sets about hoovering and spraying air freshener. I wait under the bed, listening to the siren-like noise of the vacuum, trembling in fear of what this change to my routine really means.

4:40 My scratching post, my toys, my clothes - all are shoved into the wardrobe with blatant disregard for MY feelings or needs. Am too horrified to cry out.

4.45 My food and my water is hidden in the cupboard. Cannot believe I am going to starve to death at the hands of one inept slave.

4.47 Am ushered into the PTU. "Why?" I cry out but am soon silenced by the dank stench of poo. Baby Mao has now joined me in my prison.

4.50 Find myself transported to the car in the driveway, a blanket hastily thrown over me. Begin wretching - the smell of poo is now unbearable. Cannot understand what is happening nor why my human is tormenting me in this way. Vow to get revenge.

4.55 Hear a knock at the door. Hear female voices, footsteps and then..nothing.

4.56 Baby Mao has fallen asleep. I lie awake, in the dark, shivering for effect...occasionally I howl but nobody hears me. Where are my slaves? Where is my food?

5.00pm Sunlight. Am carried into the house, where my belongings have miraculously been restored to their rightful place. Am released from my prison - cold, starving, tormented, traumatised. Feel like Primo Levi except furrier.

5.05 I glare at the human with hatred before tucking into my fillet steak dinner. Am disgusted by the events of today but am ravenously hungry. Shout at the human for over cooking my steak.

5.10 Retire to my bed, too distressed to speak. Ignore apologies from slave and also ignore new toys which have been purchased in an effort to assuage her guilt.

5.15 Bite the hand that pets me. Immediately feel energised.

Note from Human: Yao-Lin - you were only in the car for five minutes and I bought you steak and toys by way of an apology. Surely, there are more traumatic events that can happen in a cat's life? Please stop making me feel guilty, I feel bad enough as it is.