Thursday, 11 October 2007

The Secret Diary of HRH Yao-Lin

On Wednesday afternoon, the Landlord came by to make an inspection of MY palace...

Apparently, the human neglected to mention that she has two cats and this is in fact a breach of her tenancy agreement.

This is my diary of the fateful events that followed.

4:00 pm the human returns - early - from work. She immediately sets about hoovering and spraying air freshener. I wait under the bed, listening to the siren-like noise of the vacuum, trembling in fear of what this change to my routine really means.

4:40 My scratching post, my toys, my clothes - all are shoved into the wardrobe with blatant disregard for MY feelings or needs. Am too horrified to cry out.

4.45 My food and my water is hidden in the cupboard. Cannot believe I am going to starve to death at the hands of one inept slave.

4.47 Am ushered into the PTU. "Why?" I cry out but am soon silenced by the dank stench of poo. Baby Mao has now joined me in my prison.

4.50 Find myself transported to the car in the driveway, a blanket hastily thrown over me. Begin wretching - the smell of poo is now unbearable. Cannot understand what is happening nor why my human is tormenting me in this way. Vow to get revenge.

4.55 Hear a knock at the door. Hear female voices, footsteps and then..nothing.

4.56 Baby Mao has fallen asleep. I lie awake, in the dark, shivering for effect...occasionally I howl but nobody hears me. Where are my slaves? Where is my food?

5.00pm Sunlight. Am carried into the house, where my belongings have miraculously been restored to their rightful place. Am released from my prison - cold, starving, tormented, traumatised. Feel like Primo Levi except furrier.

5.05 I glare at the human with hatred before tucking into my fillet steak dinner. Am disgusted by the events of today but am ravenously hungry. Shout at the human for over cooking my steak.

5.10 Retire to my bed, too distressed to speak. Ignore apologies from slave and also ignore new toys which have been purchased in an effort to assuage her guilt.

5.15 Bite the hand that pets me. Immediately feel energised.

Note from Human: Yao-Lin - you were only in the car for five minutes and I bought you steak and toys by way of an apology. Surely, there are more traumatic events that can happen in a cat's life? Please stop making me feel guilty, I feel bad enough as it is.

28 comments:

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Oh Yao-lin how horrible!!!!!!!!! I can relate, we lived an apartment when I was an only cat and I wasn't "allowed" either. It sounds like pure torture. Though I can't believe no one heard you in the PTU even though you were in the car! Latte says you should have tried screaming louder.

Chase

DEBRA said...

Yao-lin the terror...how terrible.


Purrs and Headbutts
Abby

Dragonheart said...

Oh Yao-lin, what a horrible ordeal! I am glad that we just had to write a letter to our landlord in order to be allowed to have one or two cats.

ASTOR CATS said...

Oh, the lengths your human went through to ensure that your palace will continue to be home. While we feel your pain - we envy your dinner. Steak!!!

Midnite & Stray Kitty

Fat Eric said...

That is indeed a terrible ordeal, I feel for you! Maybe your humans could ask the landlord nicely if they could have a cat...or two...

I am glad your humans bought you new toys, it is the least they could do.

I am also glad my humans own our house so they can have as many cats as they like!

BTW, I really like the picture on the previous post.

Bounce, Lucy and Trixie said...

Such rude treatment at the hands or your own slaves! And to be trapped with Baby Mao was just too much.

It is too bad that you have to be hidden. I am sure if the landlady got a look at your royal handsomeness she would let you stay.

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

oh the horror. the horror. i agree with bounce, lucy & trixie, one look at your royal stunning beauty and she'd probably beg you to stay!

if you want to see horror, check out my blog today.

Jimmy Joe said...

That is a terrible ordeal, Yao-Lin. Many royals have suffered in prison, but I am glad to know that you have been rightfully restored to your own domain.
Your buddy, Jimmy Joe

Cheysuli said...

Yao-lin how awful. I can't believe that anyone wouldn't just DIE to have you live with them!

Mickey said...

Unceremoniously dumped in a PTU with Poo(Baby Mao),and nobody heard your screams!!Then you bite the hand that feeds(after eating the steak).I think you better lay down and have a nap, and fix yer furs!!

The Furry Kids said...

How horrible!!!

Daisy said...

Poor Yao-Lin! I hope you are not scarred for life by these traumatic events.

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

Yao-lin, I am utterly amazed at how you make it through each day! The torment you have to endure is staggering!

Perhaps you should write a letter to the landlord. I'm sure she would allow you to stay, seeing as you are royalty and all. However, Baby Mao may have to move in next door, ha, ha, ha.

Eric and Flynn said...

What a terrybull eggspeeryunts yoo had yer Royalness, and how degrading to be locked up wiv Baby Poo

The Furry Fighter said...

oh no that is NO way to treat my adorable Yao-Lin!!! i hope you have maanged to get rid of the smell of poo from your furs!

i did not know that the IoW had many ghosts - I will tell Mum so she can google some, she loves ghosty things! :)
x

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Wate, yoo are illegally living in yoor palace? How could they not allow cats in every household on the Isle? Yoor treatment was hoorible and yoo well deserved steak and new toys!

Henry Helton said...

Look at the bright side Yao. If your momma would have been caught, you could have been homeless! It's a good thing that she hid you even though it sucked a lot.

Laura said...

Silenced
by the dank stench
of poo. Begin wretching -
the smell
of poo
is
now unbearable.

It's more artsy and elegant when we put it that way, isn't it?

I smell your pain,

Mosaic Lady

lordjaders said...

How rrruthless of the slave. By the way--is she owned orrr just endenturrred? You might be entitled to some legal rrrights.

Thank you forrr yourrr comments about my grrrandbean. You might be interrrested to know that the Cowboy Singerrr, Jack Hannah who is known herrre forrr singing with the' "Sons of the San Joaquin" (we live in the San Joaquin Valley in California, U.S.A.) He just got back frrrom England--he was singing forrr yourrr Queen. Upon his rrreturrrn, he sang forrr my grrrandbean's memorrrial serrrvice.
Prrretty cool huh--he has an awesome voice.

Tara said...

What a terrible ordeal! You were right to make them feel terribly guilty! I can't imagine being placed in the same PTU as Kavan...

Tara

The Cat Realm said...

And I thought I had it bad with the two intruders....
To add to the insult: the maid laughed her behind off while reading your story, can you believe it! I punished her in true Yao-Lin style by ignoring her. Maybe this gets me some new toys and steak too????
My thoughts are with you!

michico*Adan said...

Oah My dear, that is horrible 0.o~

Dragonheart said...

Yao-lin, I have an award for you. :) You can pick it up on my blog. :)

Ramses said...

Oh my goodness your Royal Highness what has the world come to?! Getting manhandled by the slave and only getting fillet steak and toys as compensation! No wonder you bit the hand that fussed you...

Maybe I shall go easy on Mummy and Dad and stop moaning about my need for a bigger house in which to live, 'cause at least we don't have an evil Landlord to worry about here! Plus I know we're safe from low flying hippos in our cat run... ;)

SiameseOriental said...

Yao-Lin, your Royal Highness, this is the price you pay for being Royalty. Your landlords are probably Communists, they traditionally are very mean spirited about Royals living in palaces! Fleeing them is sort of a traditional for your lot!

I once lived in an apartment with my first Meezer for seven years where we weren't allowed animals. However there was a clause in the contract to say you were allowed 'visiting pets', so we just maintained she was visiting us every time the landlord came - they were are not so bright!

Parker said...

Oh my Cats! That is terrible - and what's up with the humans and the "no cats" rules - those people don't know what they are missing!

The Crew said...

My goodness Yao-Lin, it's a miracle you survived. At least she could have provided you with a small gas mask!

The Fluffy Tribe said...

we hate those carriers, ick and to haf to share when you are royalty, sheesh ~the Fluffy TRibe