Thursday Thirteen - How to train your human slave

As an egotistical and demanding Siamese Prince, I consider myself an expert on all matters relating to training your human slave. My methods have been tried and tested by myself with real success, and I feel I should impart this knowledge to my fellow cat friends. Should you choose to commence this training program, I will be available for advice and reassurance on a daily basis. Don't give up - it will be worth it in the end.

How to train your human slave

1. Make them believe that you love them. Use affection, purrs, big sad eyes, plodding etc. This is the first and most crucial step in ensnaring your slave- use it wisely and never to excess. If you master this, the rest of the training will become simple.

2. Do something the human’s think is clever and/or cute. Good examples include: choosing a toy and dropping it at their feet, climbing the curtains, watching and chasing objects on the television, playing with your siblings. Choose your moment wisely – all of these actions need to be completed at a time when the humans will notice i.e. when they are sat in the living room.

3. Make the slaves feel guilty. If they haven’t refreshed your water, begin to drink from the washing up bowl or, better still, lick the bath suds. If your food bowl is empty, begin to chew on your sibling or on your toys. Do not stop until they have provided ample refreshment.

4. Never assume that the slaves understand you. Speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and L-O-U-D-L-Y to get your point across. The louder the YOWWWL the better, although occasionally a small yet shrill howl can be just as effective. Once again, choose your moment to convey your request – one of the best times is when the humans are sleeping. Approach them slowly and then HOWWWWL in their face. A guaranteed reaction. Repeat as necessary until they fulfil your demand.

5. If you are unhappy with the menu at your current accommodation, simply refuse to eat for a few days. This will send your slaves into a flurry of panic and, whilst you can anticipate at least one trip to the vet, you will eventually find the cuisine you are served is healthier, tastier and most importantly, far more expensive than usual. Do not settle for second best: fresh meat from the butchers and premium quality biscuits are what any royal cat deserves.

6. Be hospitable to any small people visiting your premises. They are what the slaves refer to as ‘children’ and if you pretend to like them, the humans will gush about how friendly and adorable a pet you are. Of course, you can give little ones the odd nip when nobody is looking, but be careful. Small humans are unpredictable and can be hostile when provoked (trust me, I know).

7. If your human approaches you for affection, ignore them. Better still, walk away or jump up to a surface area they cannot reach. If they manage to pick you up, struggle until they are forced to place you down again. This will keep your slave on his toes and will ensure that they react with unexpected delight and pleasure should you eventually approach them for cuddles.

8. If fresh meat from the butchers isn’t quite quenching your palate, steal food from the human’s plates. They usually have set meal times. Ensure you are present for each meal and proceed as directed. They will give in if you persist.

9. If your human is not cooking your dinner quickly enough, launch yourself, with all claws and all paws, at their back. I usually begin by howling and, if I am still being ignored, I jump and then climb up their backs as though they are a tree. I will climb up as far as I can before the human eventually manages to shake me off. Apparently this causes the human pain. Do not sympathise – it is an effective technique to make your dinner arrive more quickly. Other humans present will find this amusing and it will also serve as a ‘cute and clever’ thing to do, thus reinforcing the training process.

10. If you wish your litter tray to be cleaned more regularly, walk around in it and then leave poo prints all over the house. Make sure you walk all over and inside the bath, any sinks, all clean surfaces and especially any clothes scattered around.

11. If your human is annoying you, use your claws. Grab any exposed limb (I prefer arms) and wrap yourself around it. Kick with your hind legs and, if you get the chance, sink your teeth in. After two minutes, stop. Look at the human with ‘big eyes’. Begin purring and rubbing your chin against any wounds you may have inflicted. The human will become confused and believe that you have merely been playing. When they then move in for a cuddle, start the whole process again. NB: - can provide hours of amusement, especially on highly strung individuals.

12. Demand a space in your human’s bed. They usually have electric blankets and thick duvets so under the covers really is superior to your cat bed. Follow the humans and then climb under the quilt. Refuse to budge. If they manage to force you out, wait until they are asleep and then scratch their noses and bite their hair. Humans require up to 8 hours of solid sleep a night. This procedure takes only days to work as it is in your power to ensure your slave gets only 5 hours of broken sleep. After no more than a week, you will be able to claim your rightful spot under the quilt whenever you wish.

13. Remember: Persistence is the key. Your slaves will soon realise that resistance is futile and will worship your every move without hesitation.

Meezer Munday III/ Tongue Tuesday!!!

This is a picture of baby Mao asleep with his tongue poking out. I think he looks like a real idiot but the slaves think he looks cute! He hardly looks regal - honestly, I think I was adopted - I can't possibly be related to such a reprobate!

On a lighter note, here is a copy of an email I was sent recently. I think it sums up the basic differences between cats and dogs.

What do you think?

Dog and Cat Diary

As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to myadvantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

A Meme for Sunday

I was tagged by the beautiful princess Tara and, as she is royalty, I feel obliged to respond. So here goes!

A. Name four places you have lived

1. The Palace in which I was born.

2. With the human slaves, but only after they had been suitably trained.

3. Nowhere else.


B. Four things I love to watch

1. Baby Mao getting into trouble.

2. The slaves running around after me.

3. Price drop TV. Seriously, there are some real bargains out there!

4. The look on the human's faces when I claw my way up their backs. Very funny!!

C. Four places I have been outside my home

1. The garden (but only on a harness and lea)d.

2. The Vet.

3. The Grandmother's house.

4. The other Grandmother's house.

D Four websites I visit daily

1. Cat Blogosphere

2. Skeezix the cat's site. I think it is hilarious!

3. All the cat blogs listed on my site.

4. Wikipedia.com.

E. Four of my favorite foods.

1. Natural fat free organic yoghurt.

2. Lamb chops and fillets.

3. Steak.

4. Chicken breast/roast chicken.


F) Four places I would rather be right now

1. In bed with the slaves and the electric blanket.

2. On top of the fridge.

3. In a royal palace. This place is barely adequate!

4. In front of the fire.


G) Four toys I have owned and played with

1. Orange mouse on a string.

2. Catnip furry mouse.

3. Mouse attached to a rod.

4. Human hands. Mwa ha ha.


H) Four nicknames people call me

1. Stinky noo noo.

2. Fat boy fat.

3. Winky stinker.

4. Royal prince of siam.

I) Regarding catnip

1. Love it

2. It's nice

3. Could take it or leave it. X

4. Don't like it or can't have it

J. Regarding cat grass

1. Love it

2. It's nice

3. Could take it or leave it X

4. Don't like it or can't have it

K. First things I buy after winning the lottery

1. A palace in Siam.

2. Several more human slaves.

3. A separate house for Mao.

4. A palace for any and all stray/neglected/feral cats.

L Four things I do besides eat sleep and litter box

1. Chase baby Mao.

2. Whinge until I get what I want.

3. Scratch all of the furniture.

4. Bite the humans.

M Four things I want to do this summer

1. Move to larger accommodation.

2. Get rid of Mao.

3. Eat more.

4. Sleep more.

N. My four most prized posessions that have limited value to anyone else.

1. My coco chanel tiara come collar.

2. My water dome.

3. My electric blanket.

4. My food bowl.

O. What I am going to do before tomorrow

1. Sleep

2. Fight with Mao.

3. Climb up the slave's backs with all claws out.

4. Insist the human's play hide and seek with me.

P.Which of the following is your favorite place to hide and play

1. Paper bags

2. Plastic bags

3. Boxes

4. Other (explain)I like them all but I really do prefer to survey my surroundings from a high vantage point.

Q Four other pets that Momma has had with me

1. Just Mao, if you can call him a pet. He is more like a walking stink bomb.

R Four furiends I tag to respond.

1. Jeter

2. Evil white cat

3. Kelly and all the good cats.

4. Mr Hendrix.


All of the above very interesting, I am sure you will find. I am, after all, an incredibly complex cat with hidden depths. Hmm, I think the humans may be cooking for me. I bid you adieu.

xxx

Mr Litterbox 2007

Well, I heard tales of a competition whereby us more talented male cats can compete to win a grand prize. Of course, it isn't in my nature to become over enthused over anything but I felt I had to enter, if only to boast about how wonderful I am. So, here is my entry - peruse at your leisure, dah-ling.





I am entering in the category of evening wear : I am modelling a makeshift satin cloak adorned with a silver marcasite brooch, as well as a Coco Chanel tiara come collar purchased for me by the human slave.


Of course, baby Mao had to get in on the act so I reluctantly agreed to pose for a picture with him. Notice the sculpted profile and perfectly creamy fur. Ignore the ugly stripy stink sitting to the left of me - Mao cannot help the way he looks.

The human slaves are talking of entering Mao into the competition. Ha Ha!!!. I have explained to the slaves that there is no prize for the stinkiest ugliest cat so therefore there is no point in submitting Mao's picture. Stupid, nasally challenged humans! I despair!

Meezer Munday II

Ah, another Meezer Munday! My, how very quickly time flies in the world of cat blogging! Here are some rather dashing pictures of me, wearing one of my favourite vests. The word on the shirt is REBEL although I feel it should spell PRINCE. Still, I can't grumble, the shirt makes me look even more handsome than usual and for that, I am grateful. Mao says I look Gay and, if that means being one happy cat, then I feel he is right.

Thank you to all who have viewed and commented on my blog this past week. It is much appreciated. To have subjects is mandatory but to have such faithful and adoring subjects..well, all I can say is how very lucky you are to be associated with me.

I must retire, enjoy your Meezer Munday and remember, fashion is for life, not just special occasions.

*yawn*

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

It is the year of the Pig apparently. This means nothing to me as it doesn't involve siamese cats, or me.

Here is a picture of London during Chinese new year. The human slaves sometimes go to Chinatown in London and they love it. They have never seen it as decorated as this picture but hope to one day.

Enough about that, let's talk about me again. Am I not the most perfect feline specimen to ever grace the earth?

Here is a list of cat superstitions that I found whilst surfing the Internet. They all seem rather strange to me and not particularly logical. I wonder how many human slaves are bound by their superstitious beliefs? Perhaps it is for this reason they are such easy fodder for becoming slaves to their felines! Stupid humans!

CAT SUPERSTITIONS

Dreaming of white cat means good luck. - American superstition

To see a white cat on the road is lucky. - American superstition

It is bad luck to see a white cat at night. - American superstition

If a cat washes behind its ears, it will rain. - English superstition

A strange black cat on your porch brings prosperity. - Scottish superstition

A cat sneezing is a good omen for everyone who hears it. - Italian superstition

A cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under means cold weather ahead. - English superstition

When moving to a new home, always put the cat through the window instead of the door, so that it will not leave. - American superstition

When you see a one-eyed cat, spit on your thumb, stamp it in the palm of your hand, and make a wish. The wish will come true. - American superstition

In the Netherlands, cats were not allowed in rooms where private family discussions were going on. The Dutch believed that cats would definitely spread gossips around the town. - Netherlands superstition

To reverse the bad luck curse of a black cat crossing your path, first walk in a circle, then go backward across the spot where it happened and count to 13.

A Video to honour the worlds most best siamese.

A video for you to enjoy, my faithful subjects. Try and appreciate my natural good looks but do not worry if your adoration does not match mine. It is a sad truth that nobody will ever love me as much as I love myself.

xxxx