Thursday, 1 November 2007

Instructions for the Slave

Things have been getting out of hand lately. Today, I spent HOURS composing a further list of instructions for my human slave. She had better take note or else.

Instructions for the Slave

1.If I enter a room, you- human slave - must stop whatever you are doing and tend to my needs.

2. If I call out from the upstairs of the house, you must stop whatever you are doing and again attend to my needs. It may be something of vital importance.

3. When Baby Mao wins a Halloween Contest, you will, in my presence, refrain from fussing and fawning over your 'special little winner'.

4. When I am stood next to the sink, it is a non verbal agreement that you will turn on the tap and then lift me so that I may sup from the faucet.

5. When I grab onto your arm with my claws, I want attention. Instantly.

6. When I sit outside of the litter tray and howl, I want the litter to be changed. Instantly.

7. When you are eating dinner, you will share your plate with me. Whatever you are eating, I want. Whatever you are eating is therefore mine.

8.You will NOT eat yoghurt in my presence without offering it to me first.

9. You WILL spoon feed me yoghurt whenever I demand.

10. You will NOT cuddle other cats in my presence. You know who I mean.

11. You will not come home from work and then go out again. You will be at my beck and call for a minimum of twelve hours a day.

12. Whenever you return with shopping, you will have gifts for me. No matter how small, all are welcome and expected.

13. You will set up the electric blanket within the next few days. I am fed up with being cold all the time.

Yours, ever mis-trusting of my human's ability to take orders


HRH Yao-Lin

30 comments:

Tybalt said...

Those are very good instructions. I hope she listens to you this time! I especially like the ones about yogurt, shopping, and the sink.

Captain Jack and Dante said...

We really like these instructions and agree with not being allowed to go back out after returning from work. Our humans did that yesterday (to attend a party that they did not take us to) and we are still mad at them! We shall print this list out and pin it to the heads of our beans as they sleep!!

Daisy said...

Yoa-Lin, those are very reasonable demands you are making. In fact, they are very minimal. It is the least that should be done for Royalty such as yourself.

Diamond Emerald-Eyes said...

Let me know if they work. Frankly, I cannot see humans being good about this, no matter how reasonable the request.

(She would actually cuddle a cat that smells of poo?)

caricature said...

Really important instructions that reflect your highness' genuine concerns. The slave must obey...

Cheysuli said...

Yao-lin if your human can learn even have of those you will have a good one indeed. I realize these are minimal desires on your part, but humans are rather, umm... how shall we say stupid? Not to mention that they are a surprisingly self centered species who is very good at ignoring our needs and desires.

Mosaic Cats said...

If your human slave does not bow to your demands and truly understandable and reasonable needs, we can loan you Mosaic Dawg for a year or so.
She is very accustomed to taking orders from bossy cats and is well aware of the dominance hierarchy in a home.
CATS FIRST.

Lux said...

I seem to recall reading lists similar to this one before. Has any of these lists of instructions actually, like, worked???

It may be time to think outside the litter box.

Jimmy Joe said...

That is very clear and simple, Yao-Lin. I don't know how your slave can keep getting messed up with her duties when you make it very clear what she needs to do. No wonder you get irritated sometimes.
Your buddy, Jimmy Joe

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

*sigh* we printed out your list, Yao-lin, and were about to tac it up on da fridjamator when mom cawt us...do you know she had da nerve to tell us we were being SELFISH! Well, we'll show her selfish. Wait til she tries sleeping on 2" of mattress...stoopid beans.

topcatrules said...

Oh Yao-Lin, I can only get Her to do half of those. How can I increase the respect I feel I am due from Her?

Dragonheart said...

I am glad that you made your list of wants and needs clear, Yao-lin. I hope this helps your human slave to better cater to you.

Ramses said...

Your Royal Highness are you sure the slave called Baby Mao "special little winner" and not "smelly little whiner"?! I'm sure you'd have to agree the latter is a pretty accurate descriptive term for Baby Mao! ;)

Sunny's Mommy said...

That's a very good list.

Considering you know who won you know what:

your slave better not do #10 for a LONG time; and

whenever #3 occurs, give you know who or your slave, or both!, a big WHACK upside the head!

Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

I've been using #5 quite a bit lately. You sound like a cross between me and Latte all rolled into one magnificent cat.

Kaze

The Cat Realm said...

Yao-Lin, my brother, you are still up to form, I am glad to see it!!!! Yes, it is me, Anastasia - it's the Day of The Dead, so I came personally to Dare the Blogosphere!
You will LOVE this Dare Yao-Lin, I am sure you will do this yourself and have enjoy it A LOT!!!! Take revenge, especially for that time when they put you in that thing - you know what I mean... Yes, I do peak sometimes form behind the bridge....
SO: I Dare You!!!
And I am sure you will accept - HAVE FUN WITH IT!!!
Your sister in spirit Anastasia

Scout said...

I think your list should be called “The Cat’s Bill of Rights”. I think it is good and fair of you to let your meow be heard!

Bounce, Lucy and Trixie said...

Great 13 rules for your slaves. There should be no misunderstandings now and hopefully you will be served in the style to which you would like to become accustomed.

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

Very good instructions Yao-lin. Perhaps you should have the slave type these instructions up and post them on the refrigerator. Better yet, you should instruct the slave to commit these instructions to memory.

Tara said...

I agree with Daisy, this is the Minimum your slaves should do.

Tara

The Crew said...

Your list is quite reasonable, Yao Lin. I think, if they really try, your staff should be able to meet all your requirements.

Monty Q. Kat said...

BabyBean can do #9 for you!

ASTOR CATS said...

Your instructions are simple - it should not be hard for your human to comply. After all you're not asking for the moon - only obedience.

Midnite & Stray Kitty

Junior said...

Slaves just never quite get properly trained. It is truly a never ending battle!

The Furry Fighter said...

those are imperative to follow! i finks your beans won;t get it though...they just do not understand our needs properly - is it any wonder there are so many siamese that need rescuing? its cos we constantly have to rehome ourselves! x

Diamond said...

I think you may need some gongs or chimes to sound to attract your human's attention. I have windchimes placed near my hot water service so that I can reach out and sound them when I need Lynettea to do anything for me. Humans can show a certain amount of sluggardly disrespect if we aren't careful.

Parker said...

Do you mean to tell me that this does not happen automatically? I am stunned!

topcatrules said...

Yao-lin! Yao-lin! Yesterday she sent me to sit in the corner at the Bad Kitty Cats site! *sniff*

And just now she prevented me from knocking a painting off the wall because I wanted to see what was behind it.
I think she's on some kind of power control trip.
Yao-lin, can we get them re-programmed? They are getting out of control.

The Furry Kids said...

Those are very good instructions. I hope your human takes them to heart immediately.

EG

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

I think these are appropriate. I can't believe they need to be reminded of this.
I think I will hang this on my fridge if you don't mind. Thank you for the tips Your Royal Highness.
I can't wait to see more photos of you being regal!