Tuesday, 4 December 2007

An email to Santa

Last night I sent an email to Santa (via Rudolph). You can probably tell that the email is automated and therefore not to my usual disciplinarian standard.

#1, Rudolph Way
North Pole, Canada

Dear Rudolph,

My name is Yao-Lin and I am a boy cat. I live in the great city of Ryde with my owner. Of course, that's in the United Kingdom, but I'll bet you knew that!!

Rudolph, I've been a good cat this year (honest!!) and the 3 presents I would like the most for Christmas are a : new baby brother that does not stink, a new human slave and a new palace with a host of fully trained human slaves. (Please put in a good word with Santa for my owner too!)

P.S. Rudolph, I also wanted to say that... my life is terrible. Please please please arrange for me to have a new family. I beg of you. I can't cope much longer.



This is the pathetic response I received:

Purrr!! Tweet!! Baaaa!! Yao-lin!

Thank you Yao-lin for woof meow öink squeãl squeak baaaa your email squeak moo woof from Ryde, United Kingdom! Meow purr roar rîbbit woof baaaa. It's always wonderful to get an email from you, Yao-lin! Öink baaa meow hiss roar squeãl!! So Yao-lin, have you been a good boy this year? (Of course, you won't mind if Santa and I do a little checking, will you? woof chirp? baaaa! neiiiiiighhh).

Chirp, purr gurgle roar woof baaaa anew baby brother SNARF!!! Öink moo woof a new human slave SNARF!! Squeak good cat squawk woof baaaa new palace SNARF!! ARROOooooooo!! Purr blub tweet ribbit ¿¿warble??

Take good care of your owner Yao-lin and don't forget to listen for Santa and me Christmas Eve!! Squawk slither baaaa!! Just a reminder that the secret password this year will be Öink!! squeaks rîbbit SPLAT!! woof grrr chuuurrrrrp!! That way you'll know its us at your house so you can let Santa in and not make any noises to wake up your owners!!

So thanks again for the email Yao-lin. Did you have a hard time typing with your paws? Keyboards weren't really designed for us critters were they?! Tikki-tikki squawk woof!! Of course, don't forget to get your owner to email Santa too so Santa knows what they want for Christmas. Otherwise, you might have to share that anew baby brother with them!! ARROOoooooo! ~sproing~ squeãl öink!!

Season's Greetings!

Rudolph xx

So basically I won't get anything I asked for this year.


HRH Yao-Lin x


Tybalt said...

*wipes tears from eyes with paw*

Oh my. I am ever so sorry, Yao-Lin. There must have been some miscommunication somewhere, don't you think? I mean, what with all the neighing and chirping and baaaaing, I am sure Rudolph was confused . . . maybe he needed a good lie-down. I am sure Father Christmas will be very good to you this year. Purrrrs.

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

Yao-lin I don't know how you go on! If I was you I would find it incredibly hard just to get out of bed in the morning. Does Santa and Rudolph not realize you are Royalty?

Action must be taken! I say you grab Santa when he visits your house and tell him just what you have to put up with. He is sure to do something.

topcatrules said...

Yao-lin! Yao-lin! Point one - it's very hard here as until She goes out in an hour to get a NEW laptop, we are all on this old one in the study and it is USELESS!

OK, so Yao-lin, you could do what I did, and buy a whole lot of things, heaps and heaps, as presents for you and maybe even Baby Mao, from ebay.

I did it when She wasn't looking. I know all her account details. I even went back and left feedback! They all arrived a week ago and are under the tree now!! I can't remember what I bought now, but I know it was good, and one was too big to wrap so it is up the top of Her cupboard!

Chance said...

I dinna know whu santy paws was so I asked mommie and she told me hes an old duud whu brings yoo stuff if u ask nice for it! THAT IS AWWSUM I sez so she let me write a letter toooo. I will put it on my bloggie tomorrow! I hope yoo get gud toys for Chrissymas at leest.


Kaze, Latte, & Chase said...

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Oh Yao-lin....you're too funny for me.


The Furry Kids said...

I'm so sorry, Yao-Lin. Santa sucks.

Daisy said...

Oh, Yao-Lin, I am sorry that you will not get everything you want for Christmas this year. Maybe next year you will have to try harder to be good, and then you will get everything on your list. But maybe not. Sometimes Santa can be mean.

Mickey said...

Well.... the bad news is -you won't get what you asked for
The good news? You won'y get a lump of coal!!! :)
Rudolph sounded like he was heavily into the sauce ;) so who knows what you'll get!!!!

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

oh dear, I think Rudolph may have been, well, a little drunk when he wrote back. Lets just hope there are no reindeer droppings on your roof this Christmas. I hear they are nasty.

I don't know how you get thru the days. I think you need some filet mignon to sooth your pain.

Queen Snickers or Empress said...

Well Rufolph is a vishious deer! and Santa Paws has a whole herd of them! Be happy you got a way! ~Queen Snickers

Annie Mosaic Cat said...

The only thing that would be worse and more humiliating for you to endure than this would be if Santa somehow put you in his bag and dropped you off here.
Hell on earth.

Eric and Flynn said...

Well Yao-lin, yoo haf to admit yoo did take a big risk writing to a vishus deer.

Jimmy Joe said...

Oh man, Yao-Lin, I did see somewhere that Santa has been out-sourcing his communications. That is a really lame response you got. You know what you should try? Sing the Kinks song "Father Christmas" really really loud, over and over and over and over again, and hopefully Santa will hear you and will bring you lots of money so you can hire a new servant. Good luck, buddy.
Your buddy, Jimmy Joe

Chairman Mao said...

My momma's laffin' her head off, and I'm lookin at her funny. Beans!

I'm so sorry, Yao-lin! That was one heck of a weird reply you got back. Hmmm, who knew Santa Claws said "baaaaa?"

Kittyhugs and purrs from MaoMao!

Parker said...

Perhaps your new-found star status can help with Santa!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

What did yoo expect from a stoopid vishus deer. Maybe yoo can get one one of yoor wishes and have some fun at da same time. Just get yoor servant to bathe Baby Mao...he won't stink (at least fur awhile) and yoo have da fun of watching him get wet!

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Yao-lin that sounds horrible. I am sure that someone can help. As the Right Paw of Bast, I will go confer...


Henry Helton said...

Rudolph is crazy! I've never met him before and I don't think that I want to.

Tara said...

Parker is on to something, maybe you need an agent!


michico*Adan said...

I am crazy laughing~!!!!!
Well, I think Santa won't let my wish come true as well~!!!

Dragonheart said...

Oh Yao-lin, I'm so sorry to hear you don't think you'll get want you want for Christmas this year. Maybe you need to send a paw-written letter to Santa?

Maggy & Zoey said...

We are laughing all the way to Ryde... Yao-Lin we still believe you have a soft sweet secret spot somewhere inside... and as a highly intelligent cat, a bit of a reminder regarding your complaints: a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down... try it.

Diamond Emerald-Eyes said...

That is an appalling letter from Rudolph, but really Yao-Lin, what did you expect from a Vishus Deer?

Ramses said...

Gos I's fink Rudolph's been at the catnip, or isn't it hallucinogenic mushrooms that reindeer are into?! I'z pretty sure they'z mad for those red topped ones, I'z just love watching nature TV in bed with My Mummy I'z learns lots... So how about offering Rudolph some of those most desirable mushrooms iffen he gets Santa to get you all you want?! ;) I'z purrty sure that bribery and corruption is fit for Royalty like yourself to indulge in... :)


The Meezers said...

ah, the secret language of the vishus deer - Yao-lin, you may just be a hero to jooicy young cats everywhere! and with your hero status, you could probably get a new family (although we're pretty sure that your mom would cry lots and lots if you left) and a new baby brother (although we are also pretty sure that you might love your brother and he loves you). We is so sorry that your life is so awful. Want to come live with us?

Sunny's Mommy said...

Rudolph may have a bright nose, but he's obviously a dim bulb :-P

So sorry, Yao-lin.

Monty Q. Kat said...


You can always come here, YRH. BabyBean loves to give treats out and she can't count, so telling her to 'only give one' = dumping out the entire container.

Scout said...

Yao-Lin: I am highly disappointed with Santa’s response and utter lack of respect to you. The way it was written made it seem he was hitting the egg nog a little early this year.


The Crew said...

Perhaps Rudolph isn't the right one to communicate with on this matter since he doesn't seem to have a good command of language.

I'll be getting my list together for Santa and I'll put in a good word for you!


topcatrules said...

Yao-lin! Yao-lin! baby sisters are placid, and sweet, and sit around looking adoringly at you, and are humble, and nver touch your toys and...




I was NOT telling lies! Mom! The other two are being mean to me!