Thursday Thirteen - How to train your human slave

As an egotistical and demanding Siamese Prince, I consider myself an expert on all matters relating to training your human slave. My methods have been tried and tested by myself with real success, and I feel I should impart this knowledge to my fellow cat friends. Should you choose to commence this training program, I will be available for advice and reassurance on a daily basis. Don't give up - it will be worth it in the end.

How to train your human slave

1. Make them believe that you love them. Use affection, purrs, big sad eyes, plodding etc. This is the first and most crucial step in ensnaring your slave- use it wisely and never to excess. If you master this, the rest of the training will become simple.

2. Do something the human’s think is clever and/or cute. Good examples include: choosing a toy and dropping it at their feet, climbing the curtains, watching and chasing objects on the television, playing with your siblings. Choose your moment wisely – all of these actions need to be completed at a time when the humans will notice i.e. when they are sat in the living room.

3. Make the slaves feel guilty. If they haven’t refreshed your water, begin to drink from the washing up bowl or, better still, lick the bath suds. If your food bowl is empty, begin to chew on your sibling or on your toys. Do not stop until they have provided ample refreshment.

4. Never assume that the slaves understand you. Speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and L-O-U-D-L-Y to get your point across. The louder the YOWWWL the better, although occasionally a small yet shrill howl can be just as effective. Once again, choose your moment to convey your request – one of the best times is when the humans are sleeping. Approach them slowly and then HOWWWWL in their face. A guaranteed reaction. Repeat as necessary until they fulfil your demand.

5. If you are unhappy with the menu at your current accommodation, simply refuse to eat for a few days. This will send your slaves into a flurry of panic and, whilst you can anticipate at least one trip to the vet, you will eventually find the cuisine you are served is healthier, tastier and most importantly, far more expensive than usual. Do not settle for second best: fresh meat from the butchers and premium quality biscuits are what any royal cat deserves.

6. Be hospitable to any small people visiting your premises. They are what the slaves refer to as ‘children’ and if you pretend to like them, the humans will gush about how friendly and adorable a pet you are. Of course, you can give little ones the odd nip when nobody is looking, but be careful. Small humans are unpredictable and can be hostile when provoked (trust me, I know).

7. If your human approaches you for affection, ignore them. Better still, walk away or jump up to a surface area they cannot reach. If they manage to pick you up, struggle until they are forced to place you down again. This will keep your slave on his toes and will ensure that they react with unexpected delight and pleasure should you eventually approach them for cuddles.

8. If fresh meat from the butchers isn’t quite quenching your palate, steal food from the human’s plates. They usually have set meal times. Ensure you are present for each meal and proceed as directed. They will give in if you persist.

9. If your human is not cooking your dinner quickly enough, launch yourself, with all claws and all paws, at their back. I usually begin by howling and, if I am still being ignored, I jump and then climb up their backs as though they are a tree. I will climb up as far as I can before the human eventually manages to shake me off. Apparently this causes the human pain. Do not sympathise – it is an effective technique to make your dinner arrive more quickly. Other humans present will find this amusing and it will also serve as a ‘cute and clever’ thing to do, thus reinforcing the training process.

10. If you wish your litter tray to be cleaned more regularly, walk around in it and then leave poo prints all over the house. Make sure you walk all over and inside the bath, any sinks, all clean surfaces and especially any clothes scattered around.

11. If your human is annoying you, use your claws. Grab any exposed limb (I prefer arms) and wrap yourself around it. Kick with your hind legs and, if you get the chance, sink your teeth in. After two minutes, stop. Look at the human with ‘big eyes’. Begin purring and rubbing your chin against any wounds you may have inflicted. The human will become confused and believe that you have merely been playing. When they then move in for a cuddle, start the whole process again. NB: - can provide hours of amusement, especially on highly strung individuals.

12. Demand a space in your human’s bed. They usually have electric blankets and thick duvets so under the covers really is superior to your cat bed. Follow the humans and then climb under the quilt. Refuse to budge. If they manage to force you out, wait until they are asleep and then scratch their noses and bite their hair. Humans require up to 8 hours of solid sleep a night. This procedure takes only days to work as it is in your power to ensure your slave gets only 5 hours of broken sleep. After no more than a week, you will be able to claim your rightful spot under the quilt whenever you wish.

13. Remember: Persistence is the key. Your slaves will soon realise that resistance is futile and will worship your every move without hesitation.

Meezer Munday III/ Tongue Tuesday!!!

This is a picture of baby Mao asleep with his tongue poking out. I think he looks like a real idiot but the slaves think he looks cute! He hardly looks regal - honestly, I think I was adopted - I can't possibly be related to such a reprobate!

On a lighter note, here is a copy of an email I was sent recently. I think it sums up the basic differences between cats and dogs.

What do you think?

Dog and Cat Diary

As seen in a dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to myadvantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

A Meme for Sunday

I was tagged by the beautiful princess Tara and, as she is royalty, I feel obliged to respond. So here goes!

A. Name four places you have lived

1. The Palace in which I was born.

2. With the human slaves, but only after they had been suitably trained.

3. Nowhere else.


B. Four things I love to watch

1. Baby Mao getting into trouble.

2. The slaves running around after me.

3. Price drop TV. Seriously, there are some real bargains out there!

4. The look on the human's faces when I claw my way up their backs. Very funny!!

C. Four places I have been outside my home

1. The garden (but only on a harness and lea)d.

2. The Vet.

3. The Grandmother's house.

4. The other Grandmother's house.

D Four websites I visit daily

1. Cat Blogosphere

2. Skeezix the cat's site. I think it is hilarious!

3. All the cat blogs listed on my site.

4. Wikipedia.com.

E. Four of my favorite foods.

1. Natural fat free organic yoghurt.

2. Lamb chops and fillets.

3. Steak.

4. Chicken breast/roast chicken.


F) Four places I would rather be right now

1. In bed with the slaves and the electric blanket.

2. On top of the fridge.

3. In a royal palace. This place is barely adequate!

4. In front of the fire.


G) Four toys I have owned and played with

1. Orange mouse on a string.

2. Catnip furry mouse.

3. Mouse attached to a rod.

4. Human hands. Mwa ha ha.


H) Four nicknames people call me

1. Stinky noo noo.

2. Fat boy fat.

3. Winky stinker.

4. Royal prince of siam.

I) Regarding catnip

1. Love it

2. It's nice

3. Could take it or leave it. X

4. Don't like it or can't have it

J. Regarding cat grass

1. Love it

2. It's nice

3. Could take it or leave it X

4. Don't like it or can't have it

K. First things I buy after winning the lottery

1. A palace in Siam.

2. Several more human slaves.

3. A separate house for Mao.

4. A palace for any and all stray/neglected/feral cats.

L Four things I do besides eat sleep and litter box

1. Chase baby Mao.

2. Whinge until I get what I want.

3. Scratch all of the furniture.

4. Bite the humans.

M Four things I want to do this summer

1. Move to larger accommodation.

2. Get rid of Mao.

3. Eat more.

4. Sleep more.

N. My four most prized posessions that have limited value to anyone else.

1. My coco chanel tiara come collar.

2. My water dome.

3. My electric blanket.

4. My food bowl.

O. What I am going to do before tomorrow

1. Sleep

2. Fight with Mao.

3. Climb up the slave's backs with all claws out.

4. Insist the human's play hide and seek with me.

P.Which of the following is your favorite place to hide and play

1. Paper bags

2. Plastic bags

3. Boxes

4. Other (explain)I like them all but I really do prefer to survey my surroundings from a high vantage point.

Q Four other pets that Momma has had with me

1. Just Mao, if you can call him a pet. He is more like a walking stink bomb.

R Four furiends I tag to respond.

1. Jeter

2. Evil white cat

3. Kelly and all the good cats.

4. Mr Hendrix.


All of the above very interesting, I am sure you will find. I am, after all, an incredibly complex cat with hidden depths. Hmm, I think the humans may be cooking for me. I bid you adieu.

xxx

Mr Litterbox 2007

Well, I heard tales of a competition whereby us more talented male cats can compete to win a grand prize. Of course, it isn't in my nature to become over enthused over anything but I felt I had to enter, if only to boast about how wonderful I am. So, here is my entry - peruse at your leisure, dah-ling.





I am entering in the category of evening wear : I am modelling a makeshift satin cloak adorned with a silver marcasite brooch, as well as a Coco Chanel tiara come collar purchased for me by the human slave.


Of course, baby Mao had to get in on the act so I reluctantly agreed to pose for a picture with him. Notice the sculpted profile and perfectly creamy fur. Ignore the ugly stripy stink sitting to the left of me - Mao cannot help the way he looks.

The human slaves are talking of entering Mao into the competition. Ha Ha!!!. I have explained to the slaves that there is no prize for the stinkiest ugliest cat so therefore there is no point in submitting Mao's picture. Stupid, nasally challenged humans! I despair!

Meezer Munday II

Ah, another Meezer Munday! My, how very quickly time flies in the world of cat blogging! Here are some rather dashing pictures of me, wearing one of my favourite vests. The word on the shirt is REBEL although I feel it should spell PRINCE. Still, I can't grumble, the shirt makes me look even more handsome than usual and for that, I am grateful. Mao says I look Gay and, if that means being one happy cat, then I feel he is right.

Thank you to all who have viewed and commented on my blog this past week. It is much appreciated. To have subjects is mandatory but to have such faithful and adoring subjects..well, all I can say is how very lucky you are to be associated with me.

I must retire, enjoy your Meezer Munday and remember, fashion is for life, not just special occasions.

*yawn*

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

It is the year of the Pig apparently. This means nothing to me as it doesn't involve siamese cats, or me.

Here is a picture of London during Chinese new year. The human slaves sometimes go to Chinatown in London and they love it. They have never seen it as decorated as this picture but hope to one day.

Enough about that, let's talk about me again. Am I not the most perfect feline specimen to ever grace the earth?

Here is a list of cat superstitions that I found whilst surfing the Internet. They all seem rather strange to me and not particularly logical. I wonder how many human slaves are bound by their superstitious beliefs? Perhaps it is for this reason they are such easy fodder for becoming slaves to their felines! Stupid humans!

CAT SUPERSTITIONS

Dreaming of white cat means good luck. - American superstition

To see a white cat on the road is lucky. - American superstition

It is bad luck to see a white cat at night. - American superstition

If a cat washes behind its ears, it will rain. - English superstition

A strange black cat on your porch brings prosperity. - Scottish superstition

A cat sneezing is a good omen for everyone who hears it. - Italian superstition

A cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under means cold weather ahead. - English superstition

When moving to a new home, always put the cat through the window instead of the door, so that it will not leave. - American superstition

When you see a one-eyed cat, spit on your thumb, stamp it in the palm of your hand, and make a wish. The wish will come true. - American superstition

In the Netherlands, cats were not allowed in rooms where private family discussions were going on. The Dutch believed that cats would definitely spread gossips around the town. - Netherlands superstition

To reverse the bad luck curse of a black cat crossing your path, first walk in a circle, then go backward across the spot where it happened and count to 13.

A Video to honour the worlds most best siamese.

A video for you to enjoy, my faithful subjects. Try and appreciate my natural good looks but do not worry if your adoration does not match mine. It is a sad truth that nobody will ever love me as much as I love myself.

xxxx

Frootbat Friday

For this, my first Frootbat Friday, I have taken the advice of a fellow blogging cat and included a picture of Mao. Looking ever the Frootbat, it is clear to see why I am considered the handsome brother, whilst baby Mao is considered....well, rather Frootbat like!

I tried to find a suitable picture of me for this Friday entry but failed to find any where I didn't look devilishly handsome and perfectly in proportion. So, instead, here is stinky Mao for your perusal. I beg you, don't be so kind as to bolster his ego, he is full of confidence and is under the delusion he is as aesthetically pleasing as myself. Ha! As if!

Happy Valentine's Day

Greetings, subjects and may I begin by wishing you all an exceptionally happy Valentine's day.

Mao has been jumping around like an idiot all day. Why? Well, it appears his picture has been included on www.catsinboxes.com .

I see no need to exert oneself over such trifling matters but then, as I have already stipulated, he is an idiot.

As it is valentine's day and as I am a self obsessed Siamese prince, I felt it appropriate to include a list. I shall call it ' 10 things I love about me': -

1. Me

2. My beautiful blue eyes.

3. My velvety chocolate points

4. My ability to vocalise my demands.

5. My ability to enslave humans.

6. My ability to pass wind and blame it on Mao *snigger*

7. My elegance.

8. My intelligence.

9. My minimal effort in everything I do.

10. Me.

This list is by no means comprehensive but is true in its entirety. Forgive my modesty.

Truly, Valentine's Day is a day on which to honour those we love. With this in mind, I have included a picture of a rather intimate brotherly moment between Mao and I:

I can't say I was entirely happy to be the object of his affection, I was asleep!

To finish, I shall include a couple of my favourite quotes: -

' Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired' Robert Frost

' Is it time to talk about me yet?' Yao-Lin

xxxx

Cats in boxes

I recently discovered a highly enjoyable website involving a medley of cats in boxes. Whilst not as visually stunning as, say, looking in a mirror, I am obliged to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed perusing the fabulous pictures! The human slave is going to submit this photo of Mao trying to eat his way out of a box. He isn't the brightest of sparks and, believe it or not, actually found the very act of chewing a box highly entertaining. The slave tried to entice me into the cardboard trap but I am not nearly as stupid as Mao. I simply watched the goings-on with an air of bemusement before ambling off to eat a whole roast chicken. Entertainment makes me hungry, *yawn*.

To view other, far more intelligent cats in boxes, go to www.catsinboxes.com

Meezer Munday

For this, my very first Meezer Munday, the human slave decided it would be prudent to dress me as an army cat.

Of course, if I were really in the army, I would quickly be promoted to General and wouldn't bother myself with the infantry riff-raff. As this picture was for entertainment purposes only, I will allow the slave to publish it, bearing in mind that it has no bearing on my royal status.

Saturday delusions of grandeur

A litter of white bengal tiger cubs were born in Buenos Aires on 8/2/07. Mao made me include this news because he believes he may be related to them in some way. I don't see the resemblance, do you?

















For a start, one is exceptionally cute whilst the other is just plain stinky.

Mao can carry on deluding himself, I am far too self absorbed to even care! Is it time to talk about me yet? *yawn*

To read the full article, go here:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007060814,00.html

A Bit about Baby Mao

I feel I should at least mention the white nightmare that is my baby brother Mao.

He is a tabby point siamese and we share the same mother but have different fathers, much like most of the residents on the Isle of Wight (MOL). Mao is only 6 months old and, truly, is the most annoying kitten in existence. Allow me to explain...

There I was, minding my own business, eating all of the food and getting all of the cuddles when one day, the human slaves invaded my environment with a tiny white bundle of annoyance.

I was angry- oh- I was ENRAGED! I shouted and I yowled and I clawed but it made not the slightest difference. The kitten was here to stay.


I fight with baby Mao and he thinks I am playing. I eat all of the food and he thinks I am cleaning the bowl for him. I ignore him and he thinks it is an invitation for cuddles. How stupid can a cat be? We co-exist, not through choice but necessity. The humans are at work all day and I admit, I did get rather lonely before the white terror came to stay. At least I now have a moving target on which to hone my hunting skills.

It has now been four months and our relationship is much the same. Mao continues to grow, despite my attempts to deprive him of nourishment.

The humans fuss and fawn over baby Mao but I know that it won't last. Soon, they will realise once again who is master in this household and they will bow to my superior siamese-ness. Mwa ha ha ha *rubs paws*.

*Yawn*

Greetings my inferior subjects. Allow me to introduce myself.

I am a royal siamese prince who is waited on paw and foot by my adoring human slave. I live on the Isle of Wight which is adequate, if a little quiet for my delectable tastes.

I enjoy eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping and being fussed over (when I am in the mood). If you wish to befriend me, there are a few simple rules which, if you follow, will allow us to gain somewhat of a rapport.

Rules

1. Do not approach me. I will approach you if I am interested. Otherwise I will simply ignore you.

2. Do not disturb me when I am eating. This is my most pleasurable of pursuits and I will not tolerate being bothered whilst I am engaged in this.

3. Do not assume that I am cuddly just because I have a huge tummy. I gained my girth through months of eating and it is neither a measure of my cuddliness nor a sign of cuteness. I am a royal prince.

4. Do not disturb my human slave whilst she is cooking my dinner. Food is priority over conversation.

5. Do not fuss over my little (inferior) brother whilst in my presence. To do so will only result in a jealous display of aggression on my part. I kid you not.

6. If I lay on your lap with my belly exposed, I wish for it to be rubbed. I will bite you when I have had enough.

7. Follow each of the above rules. To do otherwise will displease me greatly and, as any human slave to a siamese will know, a displeased siamese is not something to trifle with.

*Yawn* I must retire now but I will endeavour to update my blog on a regular basis. Ta ta for now.

Yao-Lin xxxxxx