Thursday, 19 July 2007

Thursday Thirteen - How to Train your Human Slave

Several cats have recently asked me for tips on how to train their humans. I have therefore decided to re-post my Thirteen Ways to Train Your Human Slave.

I originally posted this in February but now that I am fully conversant in the ways of the cat blogosphere, I felt it would be fitting to once again impart my expert knowledge, for the benefit of each of my fellow feline friends. It's a bit like the Loreal adverts - ' because you're worth it'.

So, without further ado:

How to train your human slave

1. Make them believe that you love them. Use affection, purrs, big sad eyes, plodding etc. This is the first and most crucial step in ensnaring your slave- use it wisely and never to excess. If you master this, the rest of the training will become simple.

2. Do something the human’s think is clever and/or cute. Good examples include: choosing a toy and dropping it at their feet, climbing the curtains, watching and chasing objects on the television, playing with your siblings. Choose your moment wisely – all of these actions need to be completed at a time when the humans will notice i.e. when they are sat in the living room.

3. Make the slaves feel guilty. If they haven’t refreshed your water, begin to drink from the washing up bowl or, better still, lick the bath suds. If your food bowl is empty, begin to chew on your sibling or on your toys. Do not stop until they have provided ample refreshment.

4. Never assume that the slaves understand you. Speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and L-O-U-D-L-Y to get your point across. The louder the YOWWWL the better, although occasionally a small yet shrill howl can be just as effective. Once again, choose your moment to convey your request – one of the best times is when the humans are sleeping. Approach them slowly and then HOWWWWL in their face. A guaranteed reaction. Repeat as necessary until they fulfil your demand.

5. If you are unhappy with the menu at your current accommodation, simply refuse to eat for a few days. This will send your slaves into a flurry of panic and, whilst you can anticipate at least one trip to the vet, you will eventually find the cuisine you are served is healthier, tastier and most importantly, far more expensive than usual. Do not settle for second best: fresh meat from the butchers and premium quality biscuits are what any royal cat deserves.

6. Be hospitable to any small people visiting your premises. They are what the slaves refer to as ‘children’ and if you pretend to like them, the humans will gush about how friendly and adorable a pet you are. Of course, you can give little ones the odd nip when nobody is looking, but be careful. Small humans are unpredictable and can be hostile when provoked (trust me, I know).

7. If your human approaches you for affection, ignore them. Better still, walk away or jump up to a surface area they cannot reach. If they manage to pick you up, struggle until they are forced to place you down again. This will keep your slave on his/her toes and will ensure that they react with unexpected delight and pleasure should you eventually approach them for cuddles.

8. If fresh meat from the butchers isn’t quite quenching your palate, steal food from the human’s plates. They usually have set meal times. Ensure you are present for each meal and proceed as directed. They will give in if you persist.

9. If your human is not cooking your dinner quickly enough, launch yourself, with all claws and all paws, at their back. I usually begin by howling and, if I am still being ignored, I jump and then climb up their backs as though they are a tree. I will climb up as far as I can before the human eventually manages to shake me off. Apparently this causes the human pain. Do not sympathise – it is an effective technique to make your dinner arrive more quickly. Other humans present will find this amusing and it will also serve as a ‘cute and clever’ thing to do, thus reinforcing the training process.

10. If you wish your litter tray to be cleaned more regularly, walk around in it and then leave poo prints all over the house. Make sure you walk all over and inside the bath, any sinks, all clean surfaces and especially any clothes scattered around.

11. If your human is annoying you, use your claws. Grab any exposed limb (I prefer arms) and wrap yourself around it. Kick with your hind legs and, if you get the chance, sink your teeth in. After two minutes, stop. Look at the human with ‘big eyes’. Begin purring and rubbing your chin against any wounds you may have inflicted. The human will become confused and believe that you have merely been playing. When they then move in for a cuddle, start the whole process again. NB: - can provide hours of amusement, especially on highly strung individuals.

12. Demand a space in your human’s bed. They usually have electric blankets and thick duvets so under the covers really is superior to your cat bed. Follow the humans and then climb under the quilt. Refuse to budge. If they manage to force you out, wait until they are asleep and then scratch their noses and bite their hair. Humans require up to 8 hours of solid sleep a night. This procedure takes only days to work as it is in your power to ensure your slave gets only 5 hours of broken sleep. After no more than a week, you will be able to claim your rightful spot under the quilt whenever you wish.

13. Remember: Persistence is the key. Your slaves will soon realise that resistance is futile and will worship your every move without hesitation.


The Furry Kids said...

7, 9, 11, & 12 are my favorites. Yao-lin, you are truly an inspiration.


The Meezer Gang said...

yes, we are going to try some of these tactics!

stella wasn't named after anyone. mom just liked the name...

us, meezers

Daisy said...

Number 11 is my signature move! Great list, Yao-Lin!

Henry Helton said...

The sad eyes are key. You have to give the sad eyes.

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

It's a good thing my sisfurs and the one that came before already had our beans trained. I could never refuse to eat...I'll eat just about anything! Including stuff off the floor, I'm so ashamed...~Speedy

Chairman Mao said...

Wowie, Yao-lin, you are brilliant, and I think that when we Mezzer acheeve Totul Wurld Domminashun, we should eleckt you as our King.

Guess what, I climb my momma like a tree, too. Speshully when she's makin' coffee. Just to remind her that, ya know, stinky goodness time is close and that's a lot more impawtant than coffee.

Kittyhugs and purrs from MaoMao!

Anonymous said...

Yao-lin, you are an amazing Royal Prince, and you have much excellent wisdom to dispense (hey, that rhymes)! I am most appreciative. If I wore a hat, it would be off to you!

It's interesting that Brainball already had mom and dad very well-trained before Dorydoo, MaoMao, or I came along. And I happen to know she used similar tactics to the ones you mentioned.

Purrs and snuggles from Marilyn!

Cheysuli said...

I use so many of those on a regular basis. It's a lovely list and particularly useful for young cats who might not get this!

caricature said...

Excellent tips Yao-Lin - true reflection of your royal demeanor!

The Meezers said...

we will try ALL of these. they better werk we're getting pretty sick of the incompetence around here.

jcfloresinc said...

Yao-lin, you are the greatest. Those are the best techniques we've ever read. Thanks.
Your FL furiends,
Samantha & Tigger

Patrizia said...

Some very good advice!
Your blog is adorable - I want to make one too for Aja!

from Aja's mum...

Lux said...

You've actually done #9??? And you're still around to blog?

These are very thought-provoking, and I must now go meditate on my next move. I think I have the big sad eyes down pat.

The Cat Realm said...

Yao-Lin, I adore you!!!
We actually wrote a little manual "Staff Management 101, A helpful little training manual to straighten out any bad habits your servants might have" and started posting about it in May but then too many other things distracted us.
Your training manual is right on the point! You should make it available in print for every cat - maybe we should get together on that and then post it on the blogosphere....
Our own personal award is almost done - once I have recovered from the wild Dragonheart Birthday Party in Paris I'll finish it up!
Your admirer and sister-in-spirit Anastasia

The Cat Realm said...

There is a blogoversary to celebrate, come by and check it out!

Monty Q. Kat said...

PAWSOME list, your Highness. I shall save it for future reference!

Monty, what are you printing out?


Christine and FAZ said...

I will remember all these things. I've made notes and I keep telling them "resistance is futile, resistance is futile". I think it's working. Thank you Yao-lin. FAZ

Dragonheart said...

Yao-lin, you are truly an inspiration to cats everywhere. Thank you for these wonderful words of advice. Yu clearly know how to train humans properly. #12 is one of my favourites.

Jimmy Joe said...

That is a very well-written, comprehensive list. You are a real high-end business consultant, Yao-Lin. I'm real good at #3: I roll over for a tummy rub all the time, especially when Momma's "in a hurry," and she always feels guilty if she ignores my big, fluffy white tummy. It's just too easy sometimes.
Your buddy, Jimmy Joe

Kellie The Orange Cat said...

I have committed these points to memory and will begin using them right away. For some reason, my Mum thinks these points are hilarious! I wonder how funny they will be at 4 am when I implement #12!

Parker said...

My goodness, I had to take notes. This was great. Thanks for the tips!

lordjaders said...

Verrry interrresting these trrraining tactics. I perrrsonally have not used them, but my lady been had a Meezerrr Mancat named Sampson who did. She laughed hysterrrically when she told me this. Unforrrtunately, Sampson trrried this trrraining on the wrrrong bean and wound up living with someone else. Ooops!


Anonymous said...

dogs rule and cats drool i could take u all and we have human slaves more whipped than u could ever imagine
bark bark bark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!