Tattle Tail Tuesday

Today I am tattling on one of my adoring fans.

For months, I have received flattering emails from Suzanne, a human slave to a Siamese Princess named Molly. Suzanne lives in America and is quite smitten by my regal beauty.

Dear Suzanne recently sent me a portrait of her darling meezer Molly. It is STUNNING and Molly is truly regal:



Unfortunately, Suzanne (who is clearly not as clever as her Siamese Princess) addressed the envelope like THIS:



SINCE WHEN DID BABY MAO BECOME A ROYAL PRINCE? DID THIS HAPPEN WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING? WHO GAVE THAT LITTLE RUNT THE PREFIX 'HRH'???

Please enlighten me.

In the meantime, I'll sit and stare at the wonder that is the Siamese Princess Molly.





Yours, hopeful that others realise the gravity of this mistake


HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS


YAO-LIN

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Today, I am tattling on the human slave. If it weren't for her lack of compassion (and money), I would be full from steak and chicken. Sadly, I am fed only cat food and subsist on a diet of biscuits and wet food. Until, that is, I use my resources to scavenge the neighbour's bins:

Saturdays menu: half a tuna-mayo baguette.




And in case you were wondering, I shared with my little brother.





One must look after oneself when the the human slave is lacking in funds. And brains.

Ta ta for now


HRH Yao-Lin x

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Human,

When sending memos to work colleagues, it is best to refrain from signing off with 'affectionate purrs'. Also, when sending emails to work friends, you should avoid using phrases like 'paws crossed'.

You are the laughing stock of the building.

Yours, AMAZED you ever found gainful employment,


HRH Yao-Lin

Tattle Tail Tuesday

As you are all aware, I live in a constant state of near-death starvation.

If it weren't for the food offered by the kind cats of the blogosphere, I am sure I would be just a memory by now.

So with that in mind, today's tattle is a tail of how I cope.


Yao-Lin: " Yoooowwwwwwwllllll"

Baby Mao: " Maoooooooooo"

Human slave: " No boys, I'm not going to feed you. I cooked you Alaskan Pollock this morning served on a bed of carrots. I'm afraid you will have to wait until later."

Later that day...

Human slave: " Yao-Lin - where the frick did you get that naan bread? Yuck! Stop dragging it all over the carpet!"

Yao-Lin *snigger*

Later still....

Human: " Baby Mao! Where the frick did you get that chicken? It stinks of curry! It's staining the freaking rug! Give it here! ".

The moral of the story is this: feed your cat whenever he demands. Otherwise he will steal food from the neighbours.

This story is true and represents actual events over the Easter weekend. Sadly, the slave neglected to obtain photographic evidence as she was busy cleaning up the curry stains on the carpet.

Pathetic!

Revenge is mine!


HRH Yao-Lin x

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Dearest Baby Mao,

Next time you decide to secretly gatecrash Diamond's Irish Pub , DO NOT bring my Royal name into ill-repute by using the above (legal) tender.

I will NOT have my beautiful face associated with your drunken and drug fuelled party nights.

You have been warned.

HRH Yao-Lin

xx

P.S My loyal subjects may, however, use the above royal note for their various purchases. I think you will find the Siamese Pound is far stronger than the American Dollar and consequently will enable you to purchase far more nip.

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Dear Human

I admire your attempt to try baking home made bread. However, I feel obliged to inform you that what you actually baked was something of similar consistency to pizza dough. With added cat fur in it.

Might I suggest that you stick with cooking only MY steak from now on.

Yours, bemused at your glaring inadequacy as a female,



HRH Yao-Lin

Tattle Tail tuesday

The human is mortified because I have today opted to tattle about her feet.



Or rather, her pig trotters.

Since a very young age, the human has been afflicted with wide (fat) feet.

Whilst all her little friends were skipping about in dainty patent shoes, she could barely squeeze her porky toes into her Nike's.

The picture above shows a glimpse of her sausage feet.

But much more importantly, it also shows Your Royal Highness, along with his dainty beautiful paws that are perfect for kissing.

Yes, human, I am mocking you. What are you going to do? Stamp the floor with your trotters? Oink Oink.


Mwa ha ha ha

I do so enjoy Tattle Tail Tuesday!


HRH Yao-Lin xx

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Human: when you plug in the microphone and begin hollering to Madonna songs, you do not look or sound like a pop star. Do not entertain the idea of auditioning for the X Factor. You will become the laughing stock of the nation.

Your large behind does not make you Beyonce. Similarly, a microphone does not make you sound like Britney Spears.

Stop making those hideous sounds. This instant.It is really rather embarrassing.

Yours, covering my ears with my gorgeous velvety paws


HRH Yao-Lin xx

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Dear human slave

When your Siamese cat wishes to sleep under the duvet, you will observe the following rule:

1. No farting under the quilt.

Truly, your habits appall me. How do you cope with day to day life when you cannot even manage to control your flatulence? Might I suggest a change in diet?

If this matter is not resolved by TONIGHT I will have little choice but to take disciplinary action.

Yours, tattling on the human with joy and also disgust



HRH Yao-Lin xx

Tattle Tail Tuesday

Tattle Tail Tuesday -an idea started by the Mosaic Cats and a prospect I relish!

The idea? To tattle on your human. Mwa ha ha

My human is, as you know, both fat and prone to laziness. She does however take exercise quite regularly and considers it a serious means to a chocolate bar at the end.

Honestly, I balk when she climbs down from her elliptical strider, dripping with sweat, only to head for the fridge and start cramming chocolate in her fat gob.

If she put half the effort into keeping fit as she does foraging chocolate, she would look like Kate Moss by now.

Instead she looks more like Beth Ditto. Or maybe Ting Tong, I haven't quite decided.

Oh, this was fun, I do look forward to more tattling tails next Tuesday!

Yours, humiliating the human with glee,



HRH Yao-Lin xx