Thursday Thank You Thirteen

Thank you to my darling adorable subjects amongst the cat blogosphere.

The house got well and truly trashed last night. On the itinerary:

1. The curtains are shredded.

2. There are copious amounts of cat poo, cat puke and cat fur all over the bed.

3. The water bowl got kicked over.

4. The litter tray was scattered all over the bedroom carpet. Bliss!

5. Poo prints. Not just Baby Mao's. Everyones! All over the counters!

6. Somebody yakked cat grass all over the bedroom carpet and bed. Well done!

7. The furniture has been scratched - shredded - wood everywhere!

8. The leather chairs are now fit only for the bin men.

9. Whoever whapped the ornaments off the shelves - you did a great job!

10. Catnip. All over the living room carpet. I think some of it is in my bed, too.

11. Jewellery. Whapped all over the floor!

12. Fur - all over the human's clothes!

13. And one stupid human slave, bunnykicked by several cats.

A HUGE THANK YOU TO MY LOYAL FRIENDS! YOU DID ME PROUD LAST NIGHT! LET'S HOPE THE HUMAN WAS TAUGHT A VALUABLE LESSON: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE CAT BLOGOSPHERE! TOGETHER WE CAN CREATE HAVOC AND MAYHEM!!!

Yours, touched beyond words



HRH Yao-Lin xxx

Thursday Thirteen

My human slave is stupid. Fact. With that in mind, please take a moment to reflect on the following:

Thirteen Stupid Things My Human Slave Has Said This Week:

1. "How on earth did those paw prints get all over the wall?"

2. "Yao-Lin, did you puke on my work shoes?".

3. "Please, Yao-Lin, I can't give you all of my attention when I am cooking your dinner. It's actually quite dangerous!".

4. "Please get off my pillow, cats. I can't breath with both your a*ses in my face".

5. "Please, cats, don't jump on my tummy when I am fast asleep. It really hurts me when I get winded"!

6. "Please, Baby Mao, stop climbing up the curtains. You've already ripped them and I don't think they will last much longer".

7. "Do I have to share my breakfast with you everyday Yao-Lin?"

8. "WHY are you bunnykicking my leg, Yao-Lin? I wasn't even doing anything to annoy you!"

9. "I cannot believe Derren Brown is gay. I am devastated. I really truly thought he was the One. He was supposed to meet me at one of his gigs and instantly fall in love with me. FOR THE LOVE OF BAST, WHY???"

10. "Come and give Mummy a cuddle, Yao-Lin, she's feeling fragile after hearing the tragic news about Derren."

11."Yao-Lin - since when do you like eating pasta drizzled with olive oil? I thought this was the one meal I could enjoy all to myself."

12. "There's a special offer on cooked chicken but I don't think the cats could eat more than one."

13. "Yao-Lin, was it you who left a trail of poo prints all over my clean laundry?".

See what I mean? I live with a complete idiot.

Ta ta for now



HRH Yao-Lin xx

Thursday Thirteen

Another Thursday Thirteen and time to reflect on the most recent internet searches that have led humans to my blog:

1. How to train a slave via email.

2. Siamese cat constant meowing and temper tantrums.( WHY would ANYONE arrive at MY blog by googling THIS rubbish?).

3. Neighbourhood cat keeps spraying my front door.

4. Where testies lie. (Oh, my favourite. I am not sure where testies tell the truth either!).

5. First time instructions to my slave.

6. Obligate carnivore my ass. (This is appropriate, the human is indeed doubtful that I am an obligate carnivore).

7. Cats are bad luck to Chinese. (Are they?).

8. Pat Yao.

9. Mullet Monday.

10. Slave ignoring training. (I sympathise whole heartedly).

11. John Sebastian on the Isle of Wight. (Who are you, John Sebastian - and why is somebody googling you?).

12. Female Slave Confession.

13. Lin Yao. (??).

This weeks Thursday thirteen has again reaffirmed what I already knew - humans are pretty depraved!

Ta ta for now


HRH Yao-Lin xx

Thursday Thirteen

Ah, Valntines Day. Feeling somewhat fuzzy, I have decided to dedicate this week's Thursday Thirteen to my human slave.

Thirteen Ways I Will Today Show My Human My Love:

1. I will not climb up her back as she cooks my dinner.

2. I will however use her leg as a scratching post.

3. I will not eat her yoghurt direct from her spoon.

4. I will instead insist that she spoon feed me from a different pot.

5. I will not attack Baby Mao.

6. I will instead attack the human's feet. When she is in a deep sleep.

7. I will not whap her belongings from the windowsill/shelf/counter.

8. I will simply nudge them, gently, until they drop tenderly onto the floor.

9. I will not lick toothpaste from her lips/hand.

10. I will instead use my claws to direct her toothbrush to my mouth (whilst perched on the edge of the sink - it's quite the skill, you know!).

12. I will not dig up the rose bush she recently planted in the garden.

13. I will instead use said rosebush as a toilet.




I do hope your Valetines Day is wonderful. My human will probably spend the evening throwing a temper tantrum because of the above.

It's a tough job but somecat's got to do it.

Ta ta for now


HRH Yao-Lin x

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR ME IN SKEEZIX'S VALENTINES CONTEST!

Thursday Thirteen

Greetings one and all.

Here, for your perusal, are a collection of thirteen photographs, depicting exactly what happens if my human dares to eat yoghurt without giving any to me.

















I did warn you, human.

HRH Yao-Lin xxx

Thursday Thirteen

The human slave has been off work this week. She has been thoroughly lazy so I have taken it upon myself to list thirteen errands she needs to complete before the week is finished. Do you see what I have to put up with?. *sigh*

Thirteen Errands for the Human Slave.

1. Buy steak. Lots of it.

2. Get my water dome working. It hasn't been set up since we moved house and I am NOT best pleased.

3. Sprinkle catnip in my bed. And on my throne.

4. Buy me some sardines. NOT tinned ones. I want fresh ones from the fish counter.

5. Hoover up the cat litter I have just kicked all over the stairs. It is becoming uncomfortable to walk on with my delicate paws.

6. Turn the kitchen tap on and watch as I drink direct from the faucet. I can't very well turn the tap on myself, you know!

7. When I raise my chin during the day, I expect it to be scratched. Each and every time without fail. Understand?

8. Sort out my wardrobe. My clothes are scattered about the place and I demand that they be sorted out, colour co-ordinated, ironed and hung up.

9. You will need to buy an ironing board. You are so lazy you don't even have one yet!

10. By me something nice from the Internet. I don't care what, just something expensive and geared toward felines.

11. Buy a present for Latte. Do it quickly, it has to be shipped to America.

12. You may hoover upstairs tomorrow ONLY. I will not have my sleep disturbed any other day. You will like this arrangement or lump it.

13. Hire the Queen on DVD. I feel the need to reminisce.

Well, I hope every cat has a wonderful day and that their human is more productive and shows more initiative that mine. I despair!

Yours, exhausted as always


HRH Yao-Lin

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen things to do when one is locked inside the airing cupboard all morning:

1. Howl. Extremely loudly.

2. Feel exceptionally irritated because nobody can hear you except Baby Mao.

3. Realise that Baby Mao can't open doors.

4. Howl some more.

5. Give up howling. Become more and more irate as the minutes turn into hours.

6. Sleep. There is an abundance of fresh linen and clean towels that require fur all over them.

7. Wake up and howl some more. Realise the house is empty. Plot revenge.

8. Find toilet paper. Put plan of revenge into rapid bunny kicking action.

9. After half an hour, realise you have shredded all of the toilet rolls stored in the cupboard.

10. Scratch the wooden shelves.

11. Kick all of the laundry onto the floor.

12. When the door is finally opened, stand back and laugh as the human is showered by toilet paper confetti.

13. Watch the human spend three hours cleaning up the mess you have made. Laugh.


Can you BELIEVE what I have to put up with? WHAT IS THE POINT IN HAVING HUMAN SLAVES IF THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU ARE SHOUTING AT THEM??

Yours, thinking of several suitable punishments for the humans,


HRH Yao-Lin

Thursday Thirteen

Today is Thursday and, nearing the end of the week, I have decided to list thirteen worshipful and wonderful comments left for me this week. Of course, there were plenty more where these came from but I will save those for another Thursday.

I should also like to take this opportunity to congratulate each of you for your very impeccable taste. It takes a wonderful feline to know a wonderful feline. Believe me, I know.

Without any further ado:

Thirteen Worshipful and Wonderful Comments Left for HRH Yao-Lin This Week


1. "You take handsome to a whole new level my royal pal" Parker

2. "You are, of course, handsome and regal all at the same time!
You are very generous to share your beauty with the Web World". Bounce, Lucy & Trixie

3. "As always, your regalness inspires me" Cheysuli

4. "YUMMY KITTY"! Mosaic Cats

5. "I can hardly find words for your handsomeness, Yao-Lin"! Luxor

6. "I like how you posed just right so the beautiful shadows from the branches made an artistic pattern on you. You truly have impeccable aristocratic taste". Jimmy Joe

7. "Yoo are so regal, yer pikchur takes our breff away" Eric n Flynn

8. "You know that when they call upon the heavens, they can't raise you any higher than that!!" Donny, Marie & Casey

9. "I gazed therefore I am". Tara

10. "I adoringly gazed at your pictures, I think I like the picture of you with your crown on best". Kellie the Orange Cat

11. "The woman just keeps sitting and sitting.. I had to drag her away from your photo Yao-lin" Cheysuli

12. "A vision in meezer glory..." DKM

13. "Yao-Lin, you are looking extra-royal today. Thank you for letting us gaze upon your image."



Like I said, excellent taste everyone! Give yourself a big paw on the back, you deserve it.

Affectionate purrs


HRH Yao-Lin xxx

Thursday Thirteen - How to Train your Human Slave

Several cats have recently asked me for tips on how to train their humans. I have therefore decided to re-post my Thirteen Ways to Train Your Human Slave.

I originally posted this in February but now that I am fully conversant in the ways of the cat blogosphere, I felt it would be fitting to once again impart my expert knowledge, for the benefit of each of my fellow feline friends. It's a bit like the Loreal adverts - ' because you're worth it'.

So, without further ado:

How to train your human slave

1. Make them believe that you love them. Use affection, purrs, big sad eyes, plodding etc. This is the first and most crucial step in ensnaring your slave- use it wisely and never to excess. If you master this, the rest of the training will become simple.

2. Do something the human’s think is clever and/or cute. Good examples include: choosing a toy and dropping it at their feet, climbing the curtains, watching and chasing objects on the television, playing with your siblings. Choose your moment wisely – all of these actions need to be completed at a time when the humans will notice i.e. when they are sat in the living room.

3. Make the slaves feel guilty. If they haven’t refreshed your water, begin to drink from the washing up bowl or, better still, lick the bath suds. If your food bowl is empty, begin to chew on your sibling or on your toys. Do not stop until they have provided ample refreshment.

4. Never assume that the slaves understand you. Speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and L-O-U-D-L-Y to get your point across. The louder the YOWWWL the better, although occasionally a small yet shrill howl can be just as effective. Once again, choose your moment to convey your request – one of the best times is when the humans are sleeping. Approach them slowly and then HOWWWWL in their face. A guaranteed reaction. Repeat as necessary until they fulfil your demand.

5. If you are unhappy with the menu at your current accommodation, simply refuse to eat for a few days. This will send your slaves into a flurry of panic and, whilst you can anticipate at least one trip to the vet, you will eventually find the cuisine you are served is healthier, tastier and most importantly, far more expensive than usual. Do not settle for second best: fresh meat from the butchers and premium quality biscuits are what any royal cat deserves.

6. Be hospitable to any small people visiting your premises. They are what the slaves refer to as ‘children’ and if you pretend to like them, the humans will gush about how friendly and adorable a pet you are. Of course, you can give little ones the odd nip when nobody is looking, but be careful. Small humans are unpredictable and can be hostile when provoked (trust me, I know).

7. If your human approaches you for affection, ignore them. Better still, walk away or jump up to a surface area they cannot reach. If they manage to pick you up, struggle until they are forced to place you down again. This will keep your slave on his/her toes and will ensure that they react with unexpected delight and pleasure should you eventually approach them for cuddles.

8. If fresh meat from the butchers isn’t quite quenching your palate, steal food from the human’s plates. They usually have set meal times. Ensure you are present for each meal and proceed as directed. They will give in if you persist.

9. If your human is not cooking your dinner quickly enough, launch yourself, with all claws and all paws, at their back. I usually begin by howling and, if I am still being ignored, I jump and then climb up their backs as though they are a tree. I will climb up as far as I can before the human eventually manages to shake me off. Apparently this causes the human pain. Do not sympathise – it is an effective technique to make your dinner arrive more quickly. Other humans present will find this amusing and it will also serve as a ‘cute and clever’ thing to do, thus reinforcing the training process.

10. If you wish your litter tray to be cleaned more regularly, walk around in it and then leave poo prints all over the house. Make sure you walk all over and inside the bath, any sinks, all clean surfaces and especially any clothes scattered around.

11. If your human is annoying you, use your claws. Grab any exposed limb (I prefer arms) and wrap yourself around it. Kick with your hind legs and, if you get the chance, sink your teeth in. After two minutes, stop. Look at the human with ‘big eyes’. Begin purring and rubbing your chin against any wounds you may have inflicted. The human will become confused and believe that you have merely been playing. When they then move in for a cuddle, start the whole process again. NB: - can provide hours of amusement, especially on highly strung individuals.

12. Demand a space in your human’s bed. They usually have electric blankets and thick duvets so under the covers really is superior to your cat bed. Follow the humans and then climb under the quilt. Refuse to budge. If they manage to force you out, wait until they are asleep and then scratch their noses and bite their hair. Humans require up to 8 hours of solid sleep a night. This procedure takes only days to work as it is in your power to ensure your slave gets only 5 hours of broken sleep. After no more than a week, you will be able to claim your rightful spot under the quilt whenever you wish.

13. Remember: Persistence is the key. Your slaves will soon realise that resistance is futile and will worship your every move without hesitation.

Thursday Thirteen Year Old

Today the 13 year old human niece came over to use the computer. She had homework to do. Normally, she could do this at home but because she is so very badly behaved, she has been sent to stay on the Isle of Wight with her relatives.

Unfortunately for me, this entails her using MY computer ALL night. To make matters much worse, she PRETENDS she is doing school work but she actually spends all evening chatting to her friends on msn messenger. From where I was sitting, it looked suspiciously like she was flirting with boys. Cretin.

This creature storms into my house in a fit of makeup and giggles, eats all of the food and watches whatever she wants on tv and then has the sheer AUDACITY to ignore ME!!! His Royal Highness!!!

It took me all of my strength not to wretch with disgust.

Needless to say, I hate her. Not only is she a stupid human, she is a stupid 13 year old rebellious one. Those are the worst kind.

I am now going to retire to bed. I am exhausted and miserable -for good reason.

Sulking as usual

HRH Yao-Lin

Thursday Thirteen

After my meeting with Tony Blair I started to wonder what the former Prime Minister could possibly do with his time now that he is no longer running the country.

So, this week's Thursday Thirteen is dedicated to our former leader and lists Thirteen Things Tony Blair can do now that he is unemployed:


1. Campaign to keep Nip legal.

2. Go and lay flowers on Humphrey's grave. It is least he can do, after kicking him out of number 10!

3. Ditch his cat hating wife. For that reason alone!

4. Open a Cats home.

5. Assist us Meezers in taking back Siam. Surely he has international contacts?

6. Go busking on the underground and donate any proceeds to the Cats Protection League.

7. Become a cat blogger!

8. Get neutered. Well, he is too old to have any more kittens anyway!

9. Join me, Eric and Flynn in the Siamese/Gingers Alliance Party (Blair is a ginger if you ask me!).

10. Go and get inspired by Cheysuli and Cato - surely he is in awe of their political prowess?

11. Campaign to get the Human Rights Act amended to include the Feline Rights Act.

12. Sign on to Job Seekers Allowance.

13. Try his hardest to become Bush's kitten instead of his puppy. *snigger*


Sadly, I have been pipped to the post by Gordon Brown so I am not yet the British Prime Minister. It will happen, maybe by the next election, maybe sooner but I have one message for this Gordon Brown fellow: Watch out chubby, I'm coming for you!

Thursday Thirteen - A Poem

I have been feeling a little poetic today. I really wanted to write a love poem for beautiful Fiona but, sadly, my ego just couldn't muster the words. So, I shall revert to form and write about the one I love the most:


How Do I Love Me?

How do I love Me? Let me count the ways.

I love me to the width and girth and height

My paws can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and Royal grace

I love me to the level of everyday's

Most noisy need, by steak and candlelight.

I love me freely, as cats strive for rights;

I love me purely, as I turn towards praise.

I love me with a passion put to use

In my long claws , and with my kittenhood's faith.

I love me with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost hoo ha's, I love me with the purrs,

Smiles, yowls, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love me better after supper.





Fiona, I can't love any cat as much as I love myself. It is the Meezer in me. You, however, come a VERY close second. I hope you understand.

HRH Yao-Lin xx

Thursday Thirteen

Greetings, subjects.

Today, I have decided to dedicate my Thursday Thirteen to the number of random google searches that have led people to my blog. So, here they are - and I warn you, humans are so weird !!

1. Slave Underdog.

2. Female Slave Abuse. (Well, I at least hope my site satisfied their curiosity a little bit!).

3. Cat abuse.

4. Door Yawnings. (What?? Don't they mean Awnings?).

5. Mao Cat

6. Nimra the Cat

7. Sit on his head and fart. (Oh, this is by far my favourite google search. Ha ha).

8. Children Eat Floss.

9. Male Slave

10. Yao Furry

11. Catsy Can

12. Baby Tagging

13. Yawning


So there you have it : proof that all those humans surfing the internet highway are really really strange creatures. Unless of course they are helping their cats blog. That is acceptable. The rest of them are beyond help!

Ta ta for now


HRH Yao-Lin

xx

Thursday Thirteen

Greetings one and all. I have decided to dedicate this Thursday Thirteen to my useless female slave. Allow my list to explain...


Thirteen Reasons why I hate my Female Slave

1. Last night she had the NERVE to serve me stewing steak with kidney. I do not eat kidney. I only like fillet or rump steak. I was really quite disgusted with the menu on offer last night.


2. She isn’t very bright. I constantly and consistently have to repeat each and every order I am howling at her. She seldom understands the first time.


3. She fidgets. A lot. If I am in bed under the quilt with the electric blanket, feeling warm and toasty, I have to put up with her turning over every five bloody minutes. It is almost as though she thinks it is her bed and I am in the way! Imagine that!


4. She forces me to watch hours of inane television that I simply cannot stand. I don’t like Big Brother – it is junk food for the brain. My female slave, however, will watch it religiously. But then, like I said, she isn’t very bright.


5. She buys me clothing from her catalogue and finds it is often in the wrong size. Then, instead of admitting her stupidity, she blames it on my ever expanding girth! How very dare she!


6. She only buys me new toys on pay day which is once a month. I demand them every day but am stuck with only twelve times a year.

7. She sometimes comes home smelling of other felines. I find this abhorrent. Apparently there is a Cats Protection League nearby that she frequents at different times. Traitor.

8. When I am sleepy and full and consequently at my most defenceless, she will approach me and kiss me on my forehead. I wouldn’t mind but if I do not stir immediately, she doesn't hesitate to scoop me into her arms and rock me like a baby. I find this humiliating. It is no way to treat a Royal Siamese Prince.

9. She hoovers. Why does she have to hoover? We have wooden floors! This is a senseless act of vandalism in my environment.

10. She is always saying ‘oh, look at Baby Mao! He is so cute!’ every time the little runt so much as moves off the sofa! It is quite ridiculous!

11. She works all day. How dare she? She should be at home attending to my every whim.

12. She took me to be neutered when I was just a kitten. Evil evil evil slave.

13. On her way out to work each day, she always says ’I love you Royal Yao-Lin and you too, Baby Mao’. I would be happier if she said ' I worship you my Royal Prince and I disregard Baby Mao'.


So there you have it. I worry that this is cat-abuse and I will be whisked away by the RSPCA one day!

Ta ta for now

HRH Yao-Lin xxx

Thursday Thirteen

Dragonheart, Suzanne and The Meezer Gang have tagged me to write 7 random things about myself! I love any excuse to talk about myself and I am grateful to them all for another wonderful opportunity!

I have also decided to increase this number and incorporate the meme into my Thursday Thirteen. In actual fact, I could list a hundred facts about myself ( I am that self absorbed) but I don't have time. Shame!

Here are the rules: Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Cats who are tagged need to write on their own blog about the seven things and the rules. You need to choose seven cats to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

Seven Random Things About Me

1. I like to climb up my human's back, with my claws fully extended. I do this for fun.

2. I love yoghurt. LOVE it. But only organic fat free natural yoghurt. Served in a bowl that is room temperature.

3. I love fillet steak, cooked to medium and served on a bed of grated carrot. I also love lamb chops served in the same manner.

4. To show my displeasure at my humans for abandoning me, I recently defrosted the freezer. I managed this feat by conspiring with baby Mao to play around the extension lead and 'accidentally' switch it off. I rock!

5. I like to kick litter all over the floor, even if I don't actually need the toilet. I like to do this after the humans have hoovered and mopped and especially if they have spent the day cleaning.

6. I am the most demanding cat my human has ever had. For the first few months of my existence, I howled at the humans day and night until they realised I was actually very lonely. Unfortunately, I ended up with Baby Mao for company. *sigh*

7. I know I go on about how much I hate baby Mao but, between you and me, I am rather fond of him. He torments me but I much prefer his company to being alone!

8. I am self obsessed. I spend hours grooming, demanding attention, grooming, demanding food, grooming and demanding toys.

9. I have never had a girlfriend but I do have a crush on a certain Princess Meezer who frequents the Blogosphere. I believe our royal connection adds a certain spark ;-).

10. My birthday is 12/3/2006. I am a little over a year old but already wearied by the trials and tribulations of my stressful existence. What? You don't believe me?

11. I do really stinky farts, but only if my bum is near the human. Otherwise, what's the point?

12. I have been known to drink from the human's toilet. It usually gets a reaction!

13. I sometimes ponder the meaning of life. Actually, that is a lie. I only ever think about myself!

I tag (you only have to list 7 random things):

Kaze, Latte & Chase

Evil White Cat

Jinx

Mr Hendrix

Karen Jo

DKM

Skeezix